Andrew Buckley's "HAIR IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES" Cover Reveal, 1st Chapter and Giveaway!
Word from the Editor of The After Movie Diner:
I know, normally, this is a movie website. It is, however, also an ongoing, ever changing, personal project and it would be nowhere and nothing without its supporters, friends, fans and followers.
One such chap, that I am proud and honoured to call a personal friend, Andrew Buckley is an accomplished, hilarious and very talented author.
He has guested on The After Movie Diner podcast, he was a member of #TeamDuckBoobs way-back-when on Twitter and he gave this amateur podcaster chance after chance as he enthusiastically pursued me to do voices, audio ads and ultimately an audio book version of his first novel, "Death, The Devil and The Goldfish."
He also, miraculously, forgave me and understood when personal issues and work commitments meant that I didn't follow up and do further audio books for him (although I dearly wish I had the time and stamina).
It is for this reason, and so many more, that we here at The After Movie Diner are over the moon, enthusiastic, incredibly honoured and proud to be one of the blogs chosen to do a cover and first chapter reveal for his new novel, "Hair in all the Wrong Places"
So please, even if you're a casual reader of this blog, take a look below, take a read of the chapter and take part in the fantastic giveaway!
Congrats Andrew, you're a legend, may you have every success with this my friend!
Today Andrew Buckley and Month9Books are
revealing the cover and first chapter for HAIR IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES! Which
releases June 7, 2016! Check out the awesome cover and enter to be one of the
first readers to receive an eGalley!!
Here’s a message from the author:
Hair in All the Wrong Places is the result of a
misspent childhood watching late night movies about werewolves and other
creatures that go bump in the night. The story follows Colin Strauss; an
outsider in the small town of Elkwood who, in addition to dealing with the
struggles of puberty, also finds himself being turned into a werewolf. As if
dealing with homework, bullies, and an unrealistic crush on the hot goth girl
wasn’t enough! I love this cover because it perfectly captures Colin’s
character and his discovery that he might indeed be growing hair in all the
wrong places.
Title: HAIR IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES
Author: Andrew
Buckley
Pub. Date: June 7, 2016
Publisher: Month9Books
Format: Paperback
& eBook
What has he done?
What's happening to
him?
And what on Earth is that smell?
For Colin Strauss, puberty stinks.
Blackouts, hallucinations, and lapses in memory are the perils of growing up
werewolf.
Worse than that, Colin worries he might
have had something to do with the recent attacks on townspeople. He may have
eaten a person. It doesn’t matter that it’s someone he doesn’t particularly
like. What kind of boy goes around eating people?
Foolishly, all Colin can think about is
how Becca Emerson finally kissed him for the first time. Yep. Hormones are
afoot. Or at hand. Yikes.
But girls will have to wait. Collin
better get himself under control before someone else ends up hurt . . . or
worse.
Excerpt
First, a word of warning …
I don’t want to get too scientific here, but there are a few things you should know before you sink your teeth into this book. I’ve tried to keep it simple enough that anyone twelve and up could read and understand it. Werewolves were everywhere in Europe in the late sixteenth century. Go to a party, there would be a werewolf. Go to work, you’re probably working next to a werewolf. Bump into a stranger on the street—werewolf!
They were slowly killed off in Europe as the true nature of a werewolf is a terribly hard thing to control. Eventually you get that urge to eat someone. And let’s face it; eating people is just rude.
Now here’s the scary bit, the bit that concerns you. While werewolves ceased to be a part of the world, they didn’t necessarily leave it. On the contrary, humans evolved to repress the werewolf gene out of the fear they would be decapitated, shot with a silver bullet, burned alive, or a terrifying combination of all three. What this means is that every single human being is still carrying the werewolf gene. You, right now, sitting right where you are, has the werewolf gene swimming around somewhere inside of you.
Genes are strings of DNA. DNA makes you who you are. You have that werewolf gene inside you. It’s just not active. Not yet.
To fully activate that werewolf gene, you’d have to be bitten by another werewolf, someone who turns into a giant wolf-like creature when there’s a full moon. So fear not! As long as no one has bitten you recently, you’re likely okay.
So why this warning? You’re probably thinking there’s no chance I’ll turn into a werewolf because I haven’t been bitten. That is absolutely true. However, while it’s impossible to turn into a werewolf unless you’re bitten, it is very possible to awaken that sleeping werewolf gene by learning too much about them. This book will teach you a lot about those hairy creatures of the night, so I want you to be extra careful while reading it.
If you notice any of the following things, stop reading immediately:
- You find yourself looking at other humans and thinking lunch.
- You start to notice smells you never smelled before.
- You growl at people instead of talking to them.
- Your nails begin to grow at an alarming rate.
- You scratch your head in public using your leg.
- You greet your friends at the bus stop by sniffing their butts.
- You begin to grow hair in all the wrong places.
You’ve been warned.
Chapter One Loser
Colin looked directly into the reflection staring back at him from the bathroom mirror and with absolute conviction said, “You are a loser.”
His reflection agreed.
Much as he had done almost every day for the last year, Colin evaluated his body. He was tall for a thirteen year old, with lanky limbs and broad pointy shoulders that bordered on skeletal. His face looked to be at odds with the rest of his body with its gaunt features and perpetually dark circles beneath the eyes. Pale skin stood in stark opposition to his unruly dark and stringy hair. Trying to sharpen his vision, he squinted before fumbling with his glasses.
His reflection didn’t look any better with them on.
After drying off, Colin got dressed and headed downstairs.
“Why are you dressed like that?” snapped his grandmother from her usual place in front of the TV. She hadn’t even looked at him yet, not that it mattered. Colin didn’t know what was more disturbing: that despite his grandmother being completely blind, she still watched TV religiously and commented on his clothes every day, or that he still felt the need to defend his choice of clothing to her. He was wearing jeans and an oversized hoody.
“It’s school today, Grandmother. I’m dressed for school,” he murmured.
“I know that!” she spat.
Nothing wrong with her hearing, though.
“Do you need anything?” he asked.
His grandmother sipped tea from a china cup. “I can take care of myself, you little ingrate. Get to school. You’re going to be late. If you don’t get an education, I’ll never get your lazy butt out of here.”
There was no point in arguing.
“And comb your hair before leaving the house. I don’t want people thinking I’m raising a hobo!” she said.
As Colin walked past the living room, his grandmother turned around in her chair and stared in his general direction with gray eyes damaged irreparably by cataracts. Blind eyes followed him as he walked to the door as quickly as he was able. It wasn’t until he was outside with the door firmly closed behind him that he allowed himself to breathe again.
Colin’s grandmother had always terrified him. He couldn’t remember a time when she wasn’t blind or cruel. Colin’s parents lived in Seattle and over the past thirteen years had managed to have as little to do with their only son as humanly possible. They were young when his mother had discovered she was pregnant, and the following nine months had put a severe dent in their career plans. They were both up-and-coming lawyers at large firms, and as soon as they could be rid of Colin, they’d passed him off from one distant relative to another. Beyond that, they had no parental aspirations whatsoever.
Just over a year ago, after a short stint living with an uncle and aunt in Ohio, Colin had been sent to the small town of Elkwood to live with his only living close relative—his grandmother, Beatrice Strauss.
She hadn’t welcomed him, there were no hugs, no loving relationship, just a bitter old woman who spent most of her days parked in front of the TV and commenting on what a disappointment Colin was. He’d tried to help her, but she never wanted it. Despite being blind, she was more than able to get around and take care of herself. The only time she left the house was to attend the monthly town hall meetings to which he was never invited.
Colin was twenty feet from the bus stop when the school bus flew by. The mocking grins of students plastered the bus’s back window as it disappeared over the hill. Thankfully, the school was centrally located, which meant he’d be only slightly late.
On his way to school, Colin passed Mrs. Flipple, a kind old lady who walked her tiny, yappy dog, Jinx, each morning, rain or shine. As per usual, Jinx went straight for Colin, yapping in that high-pitched bark that only small, irritating dogs can make. Colin nodded politely to the old lady and held on to a secret hatred for that little dog.
The town was always overcast, and it rained almost every day of the year, which suited Colin’s depressed personality. He was thankful he didn’t live in a warmer climate as he’d have a much harder time being pale and awkward.
He’d survived the seventh grade at Elkwood School with above-average grades and a below-average number of friends. He was still considered a stranger here. His lack of personality, athleticism, and sense of humor didn’t help in the slightest. He wasn’t handsome enough to be popular or ugly enough to be ignored. He was just weird enough that students could be heard wondering aloud about him as he walked by. Now in the second week of his eighth grade year, Colin had one sort of friend, one unrealistic crush, and was the constant focus of several bullies who were determined to make his life miserable.
Loser.
He reached Elkwood School just as the second bell rang to indicate the start of classes. On average, each grade at the school contained only twenty to thirty students, and because of a limited number of teachers, some classes taught more than one grade or subject.
As Colin ran up the steps to the main entrance, a dark, looming shape confronted him. He looked up into the face of Principal Hebert.
“You’re late again, Mr. Strauss.” His voice sounded like rumbling thunder.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Hebert. I missed the bus.”
“While I admire your use of a classical excuse, I’d prefer if you’d made an attempt at originality. Had you been more creative, I would not feel the need to place you in detention.”
“I’m really sor—”
“But as you’re still trying to apologize rather than give me something interesting to work with, I’ll be seeing you after school.”
Colin studied his feet carefully. “Yes, sir.”
“Run along.” Mr. Hebert gestured, pushing his hand ahead of him in a forward motion.
Colin made his way into the building and chanced a glance back to see Principal Hebert slowly shaking his head. Hebert was a former marine and rumored war hero who had retired to Elkwood almost ten years ago and although he had absolutely no qualifications had been appointed as the school principal. He was a massive hulk of a man with the sort of physique that suggested he could bend large metal things with his bare hands. Principal Hebert was a firm believer in detention and hard work and often liked to combine the two. Most detentions involved cleaning something. Colin made a mental note that his day was not off to a rip-roaring start.
Can’t get any worse.
Colin’s day quickly got worse.
He moved down an empty corridor, his sneakers squeaking loudly on the clean laminate flooring before entering the last classroom on the right.
The entire class turned to look at him. Some groaned, others laughed, a few smirked. Mrs. Davenport was the substitute teacher again today for Biology, and she greeted him with a warm smile.
“Good morning, Colin. Please take a seat. We were just getting started.”
Colin shuffled over to his seat next to Jeremy Rodson, the only person in Elkwood Colin could refer to as a friend. Everyone liked Jeremy even though he had never really joined one particular group. He played on the basketball team, so the jocks liked him. He was smart and maintained decent grades, so he was accepted by the smart kids. He was a good actor, so the creative types liked him. Colin had met him on his first day, and Jeremy had introduced him to the school. With so many commitments, Jeremy wasn’t always around, so Colin was still forced to maintain his unhappy, loner lifestyle.
“No Mr. Winter again?” Colin asked quietly.
“Apparently he’s sick,” said Jeremy and grinned. “Why are you so late?”
“Missed the bus.”
“Detention again?”
“Yup.”
“Pay attention, boys,” said Mrs. Davenport with a smile. She was flipping through a PowerPoint presentation about pheromones.
As the only substitute teacher in the small Elkwood School, Mrs. Davenport was never short of work. She was also the kindest teacher that Colin had ever encountered. Her presence had a calming effect on the students that Mr. Winter could never manage.
Mr. Winter was a jerk. It wasn’t just Colin’s opinion but more of a collective agreement throughout the entire school, including the teachers. An uptight individual in his late thirties, he had a particular hatred for students, teaching, other teachers, and did I mention, students? A few years ago, Mr. Winter’s entire family—wife, parents, grandparents—had been killed in a car accident, and rumor had it that the insurance settlement had been sizeable. The rumor quickly proved true when Mr. Winter started travelling the better part of the school year.
“Pheromones indicate the availability of a female for breeding.” Mrs. Davenport was met with a round of sniggers. “Well, it’s true,” she said calmly. “All animals excrete pheromones, and they can indicate a variety of things. Anything from sex to marking territory, and it can even act as a defense mechanism.”
“Colin, you should get yourself some pheromones,” said Gareth Dugan from behind a textbook. His cronies laughed in honor of their leader’s display of wit.
Gareth was a bully with scraggly hair and a troubled complexion. Having been raised on a farm on the outskirts of Elkwood, Gareth had always struck Colin as being quite large for his age. Gareth didn’t like Colin, but then, the feeling was mutual.
“Why would I need pheromones?” shot back Colin. “Your smell already overpowers everything in the room.”
That probably wasn’t smart.’
The entire room agreed with him by sitting in absolute silence.
“That’s enough,” said Mrs. Davenport and cheerfully continued to describe other chemical factors that trigger social responses.
Colin dared a glance back to see Gareth glaring at him like a lion eyeing an injured antelope.
Gareth would inevitably seek revenge. Colin didn’t need a chemical factor to trigger a social response. All he had to do was open his mouth.
He tried his best to concentrate on his textbook, opened at random, but his thoughts remained fixed on how to save himself a beating Jeremy, who remained happily oblivious and completely free of any such dealings, leaned over enthusiastically.
“Did you take a look at Tori yet? Classic Tori outfit.” He grinned and subtly tilted his head backward. Having developed earlier than any other girl in school, Tori was the blond bombshell of Elkwood. Okay, she was more like a small nuclear explosion. To aid the raging hormones of teenage boys, she made a habit of wearing low-cut shirts complimented by extremely short skirts.
Mrs. Davenport turned to the whiteboard, and Colin glanced back three rows on the right to see Tori conveniently perched on the edge of her stool wearing a short powder-blue skirt and knee-high boots.
Colin’s eyes followed the curves of her body upward until he realized she was looking directly at him with a wry smile. He blushed instantly, but the awkward moment was suddenly interrupted as a textbook smashed into the side of his head, sending his glasses skittering across the desk and onto the floor.
The class laughed as Colin slipped from his stool and crawled around in front of the desk, searching for his glasses.
Mrs. Davenport whirled around, spied Colin on the floor, and asked, “What was that? Colin, what are you doing?”
“Sorry, Mrs. Davenport. Just looking for my glasses.”
The bell rang before any further interrogation could be made, and the class headed for the exit. Colin still couldn’t find his glasses.
Ironic. If I was wearing my glasses, I’d have no trouble finding them.
The side of his head was throbbing from where the textbook had struck him. No doubt Gareth or one of his minions to thank for that.
Colin stood and came face-to-face with Becca Emerson, his heartbeat doubling in speed.
“I found your glasses,” she said, handing them over.
“Uh, thanks, B-Becca.”
The rest of the class had cleared out. He put on his glasses, and she came into focus. Around his height with fiery red hair and pale skin, Becca displayed a standoffishness that made most people avoid her. She wasn’t developed like Tori, but neither were most cover models. Becca was a little like Jeremy in that she didn’t associate with any one group, but where he belonged to everyone, she tended to avoid all people. Her dad was some sort of government worker, which translated to “spy” to most middle schoolers.
Becca always wore dark makeup and dark clothes making her look paler than she actually was. She maintained high grades, avoided large groups, and Colin had loved her since he first saw her. It was, of course, a secret love because there was no way he could ever work up the nerve to do anything about it.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
Oh, that voice.
“Uh, yeah. Just another head wound. Probably won’t be the last.” He attempted a half-hearted grin.
They awkwardly stared at each other as Colin’s mind raced for something smart to say.
What do I say? You’re gorgeous? Want to share a slushee? Marry me?
“Okay, well have a good day,” said Becca, and left.
Smooth, Strauss. Very smooth.
Not the most suave guy at the best of times, Colin managed to be even less so around Becca. How would he ever be able to ask her out, let alone have an entire conversation with her if he didn’t even manage to open his mouth?
***
Having made it to last period unscathed, Colin was busy staring at Becca as the minutes on the clock clicked by while he planned his escape. He would have to move fast, get out of the school, and off the grounds. He’d skip the bus altogether—
“Wonder what Hebert’s going to have you do for detention today? My money is on cleaning the gym floor,” said Jeremy.
Detention!
“I’m so screwed.”
“It’s not that bad, just cleaning.”
“Not that,” groaned Colin. “Gareth got detention in third period.”
“Well at least you’ll have company,” said Jeremy unhelpfully.
The bell rang, and Colin’s heart skipped a beat.
“Just once Jer, just once I’d love to be as oblivious as you are.”
“You got detention today, Colin?” asked Becca.
Colin almost dropped his books. He hadn’t noticed her approach. “Uh, yeah. I was late today.”
“I know. I was there.”
“Right.”
“I was wondering if I could talk to you. Alone. I can walk you to your detention.”
“I’ve got to run anyway. Catch ya later.” And with that, Jeremy bounced off.
“Y-yeah, of course,” said Colin. This was new territory. Other than the occasional passing pleasantry, Colin had never had a full conversation with Becca. They walked down the south corridor toward the detention room at the back of the school.
“I know it hasn’t been easy for you,” said Becca without looking at him. “It must be strange to move here. Most people are born here these days.”
“Uh, yeah, I’ve heard that. No one ever moves to Elkwood.”
“The people here aren’t open-minded. They only know what they know. And who they know. This probably isn’t making any sense.”
“No. I mean, yeah. Well. No, no it’s not.”
Becca turned to him. Her eyes were a deep hazel color, he’d never noticed before. She put a hand on his shoulder, and suddenly his insides were on fire. It was only a moment, but Colin felt as if she was looking through him.
Colin was way beyond his comfort zone and didn’t know what to do. Was he supposed to say something? Did she want him to kiss her? Or was he misunderstanding her? When it came to reading girls, he was dyslexic. On the flipside, Becca Emerson was actually touching him! With her actual hand! But then she took her hand away and for a moment looked sad.
“I’m sorry, Colin. I thought maybe … but no.” She sighed. “I don’t know if you’ll ever be able to see things clearly here.”
Colin had no idea what she was talking about; he was still reeling from her touch and for once actually managed to say something. “Maybe you could help me?”
Did I just say that?
What was he thinking?
“I have to go. My dad will wonder where I am. Good luck in detention.”
And just like that, she was gone.
The ominous voice of Principal Hebert floated down the hallway. “Nice of you to join us, Mr. Strauss. Are you going to just stand there, or do I need to drag you into detention?”
Colin entered the room, noting the other attendees. Two students, Micah and Nathaniel Cross, otherwise known as the goth twins. They were pale with black tattoos, long black coats, tight black clothing, and permanent frowns plastered across their faces. Gareth sat with his feet up, smirking at Colin.
“Listen up,” began Principal Hebert. “You’re here because you did something or you didn’t do something. All I care about is what you do from here on out. Gareth and Colin, you’re on garbage cleanup. Nathaniel and Micah, you’ll be sweeping the gym floor. One hour, people, and then I expect you back for dismissal.”
Colin’s heart sank in his chest, down his legs, and through the floor. He was a dead man.
Gareth clapped his hands with false cheer. “All right, Colin, buddy. Let’s get to it!”
They grabbed a couple of garbage bags and headed outside. Without saying a word, Gareth just started picking up garbage. Colin, braced for an attack and watched him for a moment before hesitantly bending to the task too. ’It was getting dark, and the rain made the job all the more miserable.
After half an hour, Gareth had vanished around the other side of the building, and Colin began to think that maybe he had been worrying needlessly.
As he rounded a corner toward the back of the school, he saw his mistake. Sam Bale and Kevin Hadfield were sitting on one of the permanent picnic benches. They both looked menacing, as usual. Backtracking quickly, Colin turned and bumped into Gareth who shoved him.
“Where you going, buddy?” He spat that last word.
Colin dropped his garbage bag and backed right into Sam and Kevin, who were standing behind him.
“We don’t have to do this,” pleaded Colin.
“You don’t belong here, Colin,” said Gareth.
“I know. You’ve told me before.”
Gareth stabbed a finger to his chest. “And that smart mouth of yours really doesn’t belong here.”
“It’s attached to the rest of my body; I really don’t have a choice in the matter.”
Gareth faked a punch, and Colin flinched.
“Please, just tell me what to do,” begged Colin, fighting to keep the tears at bay. He’d been here before; he knew what was coming.
Kevin and Sam grabbed one of Colin’s arms while Gareth stood inches from his face. His breath stank. “I want you to go away. That’s all. You don’t belong here. Sooner or later you’ll get the message.”
Gareth punched him hard twice in the stomach and then once in the kidneys. Colin dropped to the ground and curled into a ball. Sam and Kevin began kicking him and then stripped him down to his underwear until finally, they left. Colin lay sobbing on the cold ground, half-naked and in pain.
This had been Colin’s life for over a year. Feeling like he’d failed at life in general, Colin had been reduced to living in a state of constant fear and humiliation. He had suffered bullying and his grandmother’s hatred.
Colin knew he was a loser, but he hated that everyone else knew it too.
The only positive he could think of was Becca and the strange, brief conversation they had shared. He picked himself up, feeling his bruised ribs, wincing as he walked barefoot across the parking lot away from the school. Hebert would be angry that he didn’t return for the end of detention, but he didn’t care. He didn’t intend to come back. He had to do something or he was going to end up dying here in Elkwood.
Colin decided he had to go to Seattle to see his parents.
Tonight.
I don’t want to get too scientific here, but there are a few things you should know before you sink your teeth into this book. I’ve tried to keep it simple enough that anyone twelve and up could read and understand it. Werewolves were everywhere in Europe in the late sixteenth century. Go to a party, there would be a werewolf. Go to work, you’re probably working next to a werewolf. Bump into a stranger on the street—werewolf!
They were slowly killed off in Europe as the true nature of a werewolf is a terribly hard thing to control. Eventually you get that urge to eat someone. And let’s face it; eating people is just rude.
Now here’s the scary bit, the bit that concerns you. While werewolves ceased to be a part of the world, they didn’t necessarily leave it. On the contrary, humans evolved to repress the werewolf gene out of the fear they would be decapitated, shot with a silver bullet, burned alive, or a terrifying combination of all three. What this means is that every single human being is still carrying the werewolf gene. You, right now, sitting right where you are, has the werewolf gene swimming around somewhere inside of you.
Genes are strings of DNA. DNA makes you who you are. You have that werewolf gene inside you. It’s just not active. Not yet.
To fully activate that werewolf gene, you’d have to be bitten by another werewolf, someone who turns into a giant wolf-like creature when there’s a full moon. So fear not! As long as no one has bitten you recently, you’re likely okay.
So why this warning? You’re probably thinking there’s no chance I’ll turn into a werewolf because I haven’t been bitten. That is absolutely true. However, while it’s impossible to turn into a werewolf unless you’re bitten, it is very possible to awaken that sleeping werewolf gene by learning too much about them. This book will teach you a lot about those hairy creatures of the night, so I want you to be extra careful while reading it.
If you notice any of the following things, stop reading immediately:
- You find yourself looking at other humans and thinking lunch.
- You start to notice smells you never smelled before.
- You growl at people instead of talking to them.
- Your nails begin to grow at an alarming rate.
- You scratch your head in public using your leg.
- You greet your friends at the bus stop by sniffing their butts.
- You begin to grow hair in all the wrong places.
You’ve been warned.
Chapter One Loser
Colin looked directly into the reflection staring back at him from the bathroom mirror and with absolute conviction said, “You are a loser.”
His reflection agreed.
Much as he had done almost every day for the last year, Colin evaluated his body. He was tall for a thirteen year old, with lanky limbs and broad pointy shoulders that bordered on skeletal. His face looked to be at odds with the rest of his body with its gaunt features and perpetually dark circles beneath the eyes. Pale skin stood in stark opposition to his unruly dark and stringy hair. Trying to sharpen his vision, he squinted before fumbling with his glasses.
His reflection didn’t look any better with them on.
After drying off, Colin got dressed and headed downstairs.
“Why are you dressed like that?” snapped his grandmother from her usual place in front of the TV. She hadn’t even looked at him yet, not that it mattered. Colin didn’t know what was more disturbing: that despite his grandmother being completely blind, she still watched TV religiously and commented on his clothes every day, or that he still felt the need to defend his choice of clothing to her. He was wearing jeans and an oversized hoody.
“It’s school today, Grandmother. I’m dressed for school,” he murmured.
“I know that!” she spat.
Nothing wrong with her hearing, though.
“Do you need anything?” he asked.
His grandmother sipped tea from a china cup. “I can take care of myself, you little ingrate. Get to school. You’re going to be late. If you don’t get an education, I’ll never get your lazy butt out of here.”
There was no point in arguing.
“And comb your hair before leaving the house. I don’t want people thinking I’m raising a hobo!” she said.
As Colin walked past the living room, his grandmother turned around in her chair and stared in his general direction with gray eyes damaged irreparably by cataracts. Blind eyes followed him as he walked to the door as quickly as he was able. It wasn’t until he was outside with the door firmly closed behind him that he allowed himself to breathe again.
Colin’s grandmother had always terrified him. He couldn’t remember a time when she wasn’t blind or cruel. Colin’s parents lived in Seattle and over the past thirteen years had managed to have as little to do with their only son as humanly possible. They were young when his mother had discovered she was pregnant, and the following nine months had put a severe dent in their career plans. They were both up-and-coming lawyers at large firms, and as soon as they could be rid of Colin, they’d passed him off from one distant relative to another. Beyond that, they had no parental aspirations whatsoever.
Just over a year ago, after a short stint living with an uncle and aunt in Ohio, Colin had been sent to the small town of Elkwood to live with his only living close relative—his grandmother, Beatrice Strauss.
She hadn’t welcomed him, there were no hugs, no loving relationship, just a bitter old woman who spent most of her days parked in front of the TV and commenting on what a disappointment Colin was. He’d tried to help her, but she never wanted it. Despite being blind, she was more than able to get around and take care of herself. The only time she left the house was to attend the monthly town hall meetings to which he was never invited.
Colin was twenty feet from the bus stop when the school bus flew by. The mocking grins of students plastered the bus’s back window as it disappeared over the hill. Thankfully, the school was centrally located, which meant he’d be only slightly late.
On his way to school, Colin passed Mrs. Flipple, a kind old lady who walked her tiny, yappy dog, Jinx, each morning, rain or shine. As per usual, Jinx went straight for Colin, yapping in that high-pitched bark that only small, irritating dogs can make. Colin nodded politely to the old lady and held on to a secret hatred for that little dog.
The town was always overcast, and it rained almost every day of the year, which suited Colin’s depressed personality. He was thankful he didn’t live in a warmer climate as he’d have a much harder time being pale and awkward.
He’d survived the seventh grade at Elkwood School with above-average grades and a below-average number of friends. He was still considered a stranger here. His lack of personality, athleticism, and sense of humor didn’t help in the slightest. He wasn’t handsome enough to be popular or ugly enough to be ignored. He was just weird enough that students could be heard wondering aloud about him as he walked by. Now in the second week of his eighth grade year, Colin had one sort of friend, one unrealistic crush, and was the constant focus of several bullies who were determined to make his life miserable.
Loser.
He reached Elkwood School just as the second bell rang to indicate the start of classes. On average, each grade at the school contained only twenty to thirty students, and because of a limited number of teachers, some classes taught more than one grade or subject.
As Colin ran up the steps to the main entrance, a dark, looming shape confronted him. He looked up into the face of Principal Hebert.
“You’re late again, Mr. Strauss.” His voice sounded like rumbling thunder.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Hebert. I missed the bus.”
“While I admire your use of a classical excuse, I’d prefer if you’d made an attempt at originality. Had you been more creative, I would not feel the need to place you in detention.”
“I’m really sor—”
“But as you’re still trying to apologize rather than give me something interesting to work with, I’ll be seeing you after school.”
Colin studied his feet carefully. “Yes, sir.”
“Run along.” Mr. Hebert gestured, pushing his hand ahead of him in a forward motion.
Colin made his way into the building and chanced a glance back to see Principal Hebert slowly shaking his head. Hebert was a former marine and rumored war hero who had retired to Elkwood almost ten years ago and although he had absolutely no qualifications had been appointed as the school principal. He was a massive hulk of a man with the sort of physique that suggested he could bend large metal things with his bare hands. Principal Hebert was a firm believer in detention and hard work and often liked to combine the two. Most detentions involved cleaning something. Colin made a mental note that his day was not off to a rip-roaring start.
Can’t get any worse.
Colin’s day quickly got worse.
He moved down an empty corridor, his sneakers squeaking loudly on the clean laminate flooring before entering the last classroom on the right.
The entire class turned to look at him. Some groaned, others laughed, a few smirked. Mrs. Davenport was the substitute teacher again today for Biology, and she greeted him with a warm smile.
“Good morning, Colin. Please take a seat. We were just getting started.”
Colin shuffled over to his seat next to Jeremy Rodson, the only person in Elkwood Colin could refer to as a friend. Everyone liked Jeremy even though he had never really joined one particular group. He played on the basketball team, so the jocks liked him. He was smart and maintained decent grades, so he was accepted by the smart kids. He was a good actor, so the creative types liked him. Colin had met him on his first day, and Jeremy had introduced him to the school. With so many commitments, Jeremy wasn’t always around, so Colin was still forced to maintain his unhappy, loner lifestyle.
“No Mr. Winter again?” Colin asked quietly.
“Apparently he’s sick,” said Jeremy and grinned. “Why are you so late?”
“Missed the bus.”
“Detention again?”
“Yup.”
“Pay attention, boys,” said Mrs. Davenport with a smile. She was flipping through a PowerPoint presentation about pheromones.
As the only substitute teacher in the small Elkwood School, Mrs. Davenport was never short of work. She was also the kindest teacher that Colin had ever encountered. Her presence had a calming effect on the students that Mr. Winter could never manage.
Mr. Winter was a jerk. It wasn’t just Colin’s opinion but more of a collective agreement throughout the entire school, including the teachers. An uptight individual in his late thirties, he had a particular hatred for students, teaching, other teachers, and did I mention, students? A few years ago, Mr. Winter’s entire family—wife, parents, grandparents—had been killed in a car accident, and rumor had it that the insurance settlement had been sizeable. The rumor quickly proved true when Mr. Winter started travelling the better part of the school year.
“Pheromones indicate the availability of a female for breeding.” Mrs. Davenport was met with a round of sniggers. “Well, it’s true,” she said calmly. “All animals excrete pheromones, and they can indicate a variety of things. Anything from sex to marking territory, and it can even act as a defense mechanism.”
“Colin, you should get yourself some pheromones,” said Gareth Dugan from behind a textbook. His cronies laughed in honor of their leader’s display of wit.
Gareth was a bully with scraggly hair and a troubled complexion. Having been raised on a farm on the outskirts of Elkwood, Gareth had always struck Colin as being quite large for his age. Gareth didn’t like Colin, but then, the feeling was mutual.
“Why would I need pheromones?” shot back Colin. “Your smell already overpowers everything in the room.”
That probably wasn’t smart.’
The entire room agreed with him by sitting in absolute silence.
“That’s enough,” said Mrs. Davenport and cheerfully continued to describe other chemical factors that trigger social responses.
Colin dared a glance back to see Gareth glaring at him like a lion eyeing an injured antelope.
Gareth would inevitably seek revenge. Colin didn’t need a chemical factor to trigger a social response. All he had to do was open his mouth.
He tried his best to concentrate on his textbook, opened at random, but his thoughts remained fixed on how to save himself a beating Jeremy, who remained happily oblivious and completely free of any such dealings, leaned over enthusiastically.
“Did you take a look at Tori yet? Classic Tori outfit.” He grinned and subtly tilted his head backward. Having developed earlier than any other girl in school, Tori was the blond bombshell of Elkwood. Okay, she was more like a small nuclear explosion. To aid the raging hormones of teenage boys, she made a habit of wearing low-cut shirts complimented by extremely short skirts.
Mrs. Davenport turned to the whiteboard, and Colin glanced back three rows on the right to see Tori conveniently perched on the edge of her stool wearing a short powder-blue skirt and knee-high boots.
Colin’s eyes followed the curves of her body upward until he realized she was looking directly at him with a wry smile. He blushed instantly, but the awkward moment was suddenly interrupted as a textbook smashed into the side of his head, sending his glasses skittering across the desk and onto the floor.
The class laughed as Colin slipped from his stool and crawled around in front of the desk, searching for his glasses.
Mrs. Davenport whirled around, spied Colin on the floor, and asked, “What was that? Colin, what are you doing?”
“Sorry, Mrs. Davenport. Just looking for my glasses.”
The bell rang before any further interrogation could be made, and the class headed for the exit. Colin still couldn’t find his glasses.
Ironic. If I was wearing my glasses, I’d have no trouble finding them.
The side of his head was throbbing from where the textbook had struck him. No doubt Gareth or one of his minions to thank for that.
Colin stood and came face-to-face with Becca Emerson, his heartbeat doubling in speed.
“I found your glasses,” she said, handing them over.
“Uh, thanks, B-Becca.”
The rest of the class had cleared out. He put on his glasses, and she came into focus. Around his height with fiery red hair and pale skin, Becca displayed a standoffishness that made most people avoid her. She wasn’t developed like Tori, but neither were most cover models. Becca was a little like Jeremy in that she didn’t associate with any one group, but where he belonged to everyone, she tended to avoid all people. Her dad was some sort of government worker, which translated to “spy” to most middle schoolers.
Becca always wore dark makeup and dark clothes making her look paler than she actually was. She maintained high grades, avoided large groups, and Colin had loved her since he first saw her. It was, of course, a secret love because there was no way he could ever work up the nerve to do anything about it.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
Oh, that voice.
“Uh, yeah. Just another head wound. Probably won’t be the last.” He attempted a half-hearted grin.
They awkwardly stared at each other as Colin’s mind raced for something smart to say.
What do I say? You’re gorgeous? Want to share a slushee? Marry me?
“Okay, well have a good day,” said Becca, and left.
Smooth, Strauss. Very smooth.
Not the most suave guy at the best of times, Colin managed to be even less so around Becca. How would he ever be able to ask her out, let alone have an entire conversation with her if he didn’t even manage to open his mouth?
***
Having made it to last period unscathed, Colin was busy staring at Becca as the minutes on the clock clicked by while he planned his escape. He would have to move fast, get out of the school, and off the grounds. He’d skip the bus altogether—
“Wonder what Hebert’s going to have you do for detention today? My money is on cleaning the gym floor,” said Jeremy.
Detention!
“I’m so screwed.”
“It’s not that bad, just cleaning.”
“Not that,” groaned Colin. “Gareth got detention in third period.”
“Well at least you’ll have company,” said Jeremy unhelpfully.
The bell rang, and Colin’s heart skipped a beat.
“Just once Jer, just once I’d love to be as oblivious as you are.”
“You got detention today, Colin?” asked Becca.
Colin almost dropped his books. He hadn’t noticed her approach. “Uh, yeah. I was late today.”
“I know. I was there.”
“Right.”
“I was wondering if I could talk to you. Alone. I can walk you to your detention.”
“I’ve got to run anyway. Catch ya later.” And with that, Jeremy bounced off.
“Y-yeah, of course,” said Colin. This was new territory. Other than the occasional passing pleasantry, Colin had never had a full conversation with Becca. They walked down the south corridor toward the detention room at the back of the school.
“I know it hasn’t been easy for you,” said Becca without looking at him. “It must be strange to move here. Most people are born here these days.”
“Uh, yeah, I’ve heard that. No one ever moves to Elkwood.”
“The people here aren’t open-minded. They only know what they know. And who they know. This probably isn’t making any sense.”
“No. I mean, yeah. Well. No, no it’s not.”
Becca turned to him. Her eyes were a deep hazel color, he’d never noticed before. She put a hand on his shoulder, and suddenly his insides were on fire. It was only a moment, but Colin felt as if she was looking through him.
Colin was way beyond his comfort zone and didn’t know what to do. Was he supposed to say something? Did she want him to kiss her? Or was he misunderstanding her? When it came to reading girls, he was dyslexic. On the flipside, Becca Emerson was actually touching him! With her actual hand! But then she took her hand away and for a moment looked sad.
“I’m sorry, Colin. I thought maybe … but no.” She sighed. “I don’t know if you’ll ever be able to see things clearly here.”
Colin had no idea what she was talking about; he was still reeling from her touch and for once actually managed to say something. “Maybe you could help me?”
Did I just say that?
What was he thinking?
“I have to go. My dad will wonder where I am. Good luck in detention.”
And just like that, she was gone.
The ominous voice of Principal Hebert floated down the hallway. “Nice of you to join us, Mr. Strauss. Are you going to just stand there, or do I need to drag you into detention?”
Colin entered the room, noting the other attendees. Two students, Micah and Nathaniel Cross, otherwise known as the goth twins. They were pale with black tattoos, long black coats, tight black clothing, and permanent frowns plastered across their faces. Gareth sat with his feet up, smirking at Colin.
“Listen up,” began Principal Hebert. “You’re here because you did something or you didn’t do something. All I care about is what you do from here on out. Gareth and Colin, you’re on garbage cleanup. Nathaniel and Micah, you’ll be sweeping the gym floor. One hour, people, and then I expect you back for dismissal.”
Colin’s heart sank in his chest, down his legs, and through the floor. He was a dead man.
Gareth clapped his hands with false cheer. “All right, Colin, buddy. Let’s get to it!”
They grabbed a couple of garbage bags and headed outside. Without saying a word, Gareth just started picking up garbage. Colin, braced for an attack and watched him for a moment before hesitantly bending to the task too. ’It was getting dark, and the rain made the job all the more miserable.
After half an hour, Gareth had vanished around the other side of the building, and Colin began to think that maybe he had been worrying needlessly.
As he rounded a corner toward the back of the school, he saw his mistake. Sam Bale and Kevin Hadfield were sitting on one of the permanent picnic benches. They both looked menacing, as usual. Backtracking quickly, Colin turned and bumped into Gareth who shoved him.
“Where you going, buddy?” He spat that last word.
Colin dropped his garbage bag and backed right into Sam and Kevin, who were standing behind him.
“We don’t have to do this,” pleaded Colin.
“You don’t belong here, Colin,” said Gareth.
“I know. You’ve told me before.”
Gareth stabbed a finger to his chest. “And that smart mouth of yours really doesn’t belong here.”
“It’s attached to the rest of my body; I really don’t have a choice in the matter.”
Gareth faked a punch, and Colin flinched.
“Please, just tell me what to do,” begged Colin, fighting to keep the tears at bay. He’d been here before; he knew what was coming.
Kevin and Sam grabbed one of Colin’s arms while Gareth stood inches from his face. His breath stank. “I want you to go away. That’s all. You don’t belong here. Sooner or later you’ll get the message.”
Gareth punched him hard twice in the stomach and then once in the kidneys. Colin dropped to the ground and curled into a ball. Sam and Kevin began kicking him and then stripped him down to his underwear until finally, they left. Colin lay sobbing on the cold ground, half-naked and in pain.
This had been Colin’s life for over a year. Feeling like he’d failed at life in general, Colin had been reduced to living in a state of constant fear and humiliation. He had suffered bullying and his grandmother’s hatred.
Colin knew he was a loser, but he hated that everyone else knew it too.
The only positive he could think of was Becca and the strange, brief conversation they had shared. He picked himself up, feeling his bruised ribs, wincing as he walked barefoot across the parking lot away from the school. Hebert would be angry that he didn’t return for the end of detention, but he didn’t care. He didn’t intend to come back. He had to do something or he was going to end up dying here in Elkwood.
Colin decided he had to go to Seattle to see his parents.
Tonight.
Andrew Buckley attended the Vancouver
Film School’s Writing for Film and Television program. After pitching and
developing several screenplay projects for film and television, he worked in
marketing and public relations, before becoming a professional copy and content
writer. During this time Andrew began writing his first adult novel, DEATH, THE
DEVIL AND THE GOLDFISH, followed closely by his second novel, STILTSKIN. He
works as an editor for Curiosity Quills Press.
Andrew also co-hosts a geek movie
podcast, is working on his next novel, and has a stunning amount of other
ideas. He now lives happily in the Okanagan Valley, BC with three kids, one
cat, one needy dog, one beautiful wife, and a multitude of characters that live
comfortably inside of his mind.
Andrew is represented by Mark Gottlieb
at the Trident Media Group.
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PHANTASM: Remastered SXSW Premiere Screening March 14th
For those not in the know, famous film director J.J. Abrams, or as we like to call him here on the blog - the score composer for Don Dohler's NightBeast, and his company Bad Robot Productions have done a meticulous 4K restoration, from the original 35 mm, of Don Coscarelli's amazing, enduring, weird and wonderful horror film Phantasm, which was first released in 1979.
Last night, on Monday, March 14th, 2016, they celebrated the SXSW premiere screening on at the Stateside Theatre in Austin, TX.
J.J. Abrams and director/writer Don Coscarelli introduced the film to the festival audience eagerly awaiting to see the film restored to the best technological condition as possible.
In attendance from the film: Director/writer Don Coscarelli (Phantasm series, Bubba Ho-tep, John Dies At The End), A. Michael Baldwin (Phantasm series), Kathy Lester (Phantasm series), Paul Pepperman (Co-producer, Phantasm, Co-writer The Beastmaster)
Special guests included: J.J. Abrams & Chloe Coscarelli
See the photos from the premiere below!
Last night, on Monday, March 14th, 2016, they celebrated the SXSW premiere screening on at the Stateside Theatre in Austin, TX.
J.J. Abrams and director/writer Don Coscarelli introduced the film to the festival audience eagerly awaiting to see the film restored to the best technological condition as possible.
In attendance from the film: Director/writer Don Coscarelli (Phantasm series, Bubba Ho-tep, John Dies At The End), A. Michael Baldwin (Phantasm series), Kathy Lester (Phantasm series), Paul Pepperman (Co-producer, Phantasm, Co-writer The Beastmaster)
Special guests included: J.J. Abrams & Chloe Coscarelli
See the photos from the premiere below!
Don Coscarelli
(L-R) A. Michael Baldwin, Kathy Lester, Don Coscarelli
(L-R) Paul Pepperman, A. Michael Baldwin, Kathy Lester, Don Coscarelli
(L-R) Chef Chloe Coscarelli and guest
J.J. Abrams and Don Coscarelli
J.J. Abrams and Don Coscarelli
J.J. Abrams
Don Coscarelli and J.J. Abrams
Don Coscarelli
Check out Phantasm ONLINE:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PhantasmMovies
Website: http://phantasm.com/
"Tranh and Nowak" - A Short, Independent, French, Martial Arts, Comedy Film
Description:
"Tranh and Nowak" is an independent short-film by Godefroy Ryckewaert which he put together with the help of various friends. Quentin d'Hainault, the writer and the main male actor, and Godefroy come from the same martial art background : kungfu wushu.
Godefroy says "I just didn't know he was an actor and he didn't know I was a director".
When they realised, they put their passions together, mixing the cinema they both loved and martial arts, while still keeping a french touch to it.
They did a crowd-funding page on a European website called ULULE and earned 2,145 euros (the goal was 2000). They supplemented that by financing the rest themselves. It was shot over 7 days but took more than a year for post-production since all the work was done during their spare time.
They were very lucky and happy to get some of the best stunt players in France. They had worked on productions like Lucy, Taken, Fast and Furious, Bourne, etc.
Now they're just trying to get it seen on the web and want to present it to festivals as well.
We can't urge you enough to take a look below.
Biography:
GODEFROY RYCKEWAERT - DIRECTOR
Godefroy was born on August 24, 1986 in Lille, France. With a passion rooted in martial arts since the age of 16, he began training in various styles of Chinese kung fu, and eventually journeyed to China in 2004 to train for five years before ultimately becoming a national Wushu champion.
Ryckewaert began to experiment with directing amateur short films of his own and decided to become a full-fledged filmmaker. With this goal in mind, he hopes to further expand his body of work while aiming to become more actively involved in the film festival circuit. He plans to base his operations in the United States Of America.
He now spends most of his time behind the camera where his experience in martial arts and stunts are assets. Ryckewaert is also fluent in French, English and Mandarin Chinese.
Check out his website but it's still only in French.
and look at his demo reel
At the Cross Roads of Desire and Responsibility
In this following article by Andrew Morris, I think he discusses a dilemma and a feeling many of us solo internet creators have felt. Let us know what you think below in the comments! Thanks!
“Follow your dreams.” “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.”
Now it’s your turn… What’s the number one cliche that you so desperately want to believe, but a series of life experiences has soured you to the real possibility of it being true?
For me, it’s as simple as fact vs. fiction. Real vs. make believe. I have those parts of myself that lie in the dark spaces of my mind, where light is only shown in spare time. Those fleeting moments that happen between all the action that makes up “real life.” The podcaster, the retro video game enthusiast, the wannnabe YouTube content creator. I like to believe that creating makes up a large part of who I am. Trouble is, I set out to accomplish one of these creative endeavors only to give up shortly thereafter because of the responsibilities that my day to day gig requires.
I tell myself, “Why mess around with caring if people hear that episode, they won’t listen anyway.” or “Why put yourself out there like that? You that hungry for attention?”
I know I have limited down time and I let these thoughts creep up to tell me that I am wasting it, participating in self created piddly activities that people of my age should be well beyond. So I quit. I leave what I started with such great intentions sitting idle while I let a large portion of what satisfies me creatively get shoved back in those dark cranial corners.
Have you ever opened up to someone about your challenges, whether it be at home or at work? Given them a glimpse into how you feel only to receive a reply that goes something like,
“Well, welcome to the world of
I work in a service field. I care for children and their families. It is an immensely huge responsibility and I place a huge amount of pressure on myself to do what I can to make that proverbial difference each day. Why do I need more than that? Shouldn’t that satisfy me? Yes it should but here’s why it sometimes doesn’t: it’s gradual and you don’t always see the fruits of your labor ever, much less instantly. Sometimes the work I put in is the type that plants a small seed that may or may not grow later in life, or it may happen behind the closed doors of a child’s home. I feel this guilt because I know myself well enough to know that I’m the type of person who wants a pat on the back sometimes and that’s ridiculously selfish.
As a side note I also obsess over weekends. I am so fortunate to have the weekend to spend with family each week. Sounds pretty good, right? Trouble is, I plan out my Friday and Saturday nights mentally ahead of time. I tell myself that I’m going to play a pre-determined game and watch a pre-determined movie. Then I’m frustrated when I never get to playing or watching them, or only get to one, essentially making my leisure activity a chore. Once the kids are in bed and the night is mine, life has other plans and I don’t adjust. I can’t just let the world come to me and relax. I only get a set amount of time and I MUST squeeze everything out of it I can before giving in to Sunday night and another workweek.
I am seeking focus in my life and the peace this focus will allow. I believe the peace I’m searching for lies at the cross roads of my desires and my responsibilities. I desire to have a blog/podcast/YouTube Channel that is viable in some way. I also have responsibilities to my job and my family. Fighting this feeling of guilt, for having the desires I have creatively, will hopefully allow me to settle into some of my hobbies for long enough to see them take root and grow over time. Possibly even without my worrying over why I’m not the next Internet sensation, then giving up completely.
I know I’m not the only one out there who has these issues? Right? Right?!
Let’s let work be work and fun be fun. And when fun becomes work, work on it, and when work becomes fun, simmer in it while it lasts. Or try medication.
Andrew Morris is the host of the Idle Chatter podcast.Follow him on Twitter
2015 - I can just about scrape together a Top 7
Well looking through what came out this year and what I watched, I have managed to scrape together a paltry 7 films and, if I am honest, I could probably whittle it down further to maybe 4 films, if I wasn't so lazy and didn't have better things to do.
On many of the top 10 lists, I have seen, there are films I either didn't bother to watch or films I've never heard of. On one hand you could call this sheer laziness or lack of money (both of which would be partly true) but, in all honesty, it was lack of interest. I went to the cinema plenty last year and I also kept up with what was being released (as I normally do) but I can't say I was wowed by very much at all.
This was the year that the Marvel/Superhero cinema started to, finally, bore me ridged, wash over me or, in the case of Avengers: Age of Ultron, disappoint me in a way I haven't been since Spiderman 3. It was also a year where very little surprised me and what did, made it on to my list.
Were there films I wanted to see but didn't get round to seeing? yeah, of course. Was I bothered about those films enough to hunt them out, leave my cosy nest and pay exorbitant amounts to see them? Not really, no.
I saw lots of retro screenings this year and also watched plenty of old movies at home and every time I did I was reminded that invention, creativity, originality, weirdness, chance taking and, generally, story telling in a way I haven't seen it before are massively lacking in modern cinema. Even amongst the straight to video crowd.
I am also, if you didn't know by now and for full disclosure, someone who likes films to excite, amaze, entertain, weird me out, scare or make me think. I am not a film critic but rather a film fan. A fan of all things film can be. I also don't watch many foreign or highbrow indie films because, generally, they send me to sleep and I don't care. I am both, at the same time, craving something different and weird and demanding just pure, well done, simple, old fashioned entertainment.
Just because you have subtitles or someone stares out of a window while contemplating existence, doesn't make you a good film. I also have no patience for things that don't get to the point.
Which is hilarious when you look at all the pontificating I have just done.
GET ON WITH IT!!
Ok, so without further dribble from me, here are my top 7 movies of 2015,l in chronological order:
Run All Night - Neeson Season is hit and miss but this time round it was a hit and when it's a hit I want to celebrate that fact. Also I appreciate a well done, simple chase film featuring great actors and New York City.
Mad Max: Fury Road - If it wasn't for Tom Hardy stinking up the joint with his multiple, mumbled accents and his inability to play a character properly then this would've been the perfect movie.
I absolutely loved everything about this apart from Tom Hardy. Luckily Charlize Theron more than made up for it, as did the visuals, the action, the cinematography, the stunts, the score, the plot... everything. It was jaw dropping, visceral cinema at its best and, despite the lack of Mel Gibson (which really would've made this film absolutely incredible) it's still the best of the Mad Max franchise. Seriously. Go back and watch the original trilogy. It's really not that easy.
Tomorrowland - because it was a real surprise and the closest I've seen in modern cinema of a true 80s, action/adventure throwback. Hear us podcast on the film HERE
Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation - because it was so so so so so much better than any Bond film has been in 2 decades.
Creed - because it made me cry and because it understood not just the legacy of those characters but the legacy of the man who created them, Sly Stallone.
Bone Tomahawk - between this and The Hateful Eight I am not sure, exactly, which Kurt Russell with a massive, cool-as-fuck moustache western I enjoyed more this year but I know that Bone Tomahawk was definitely the better film. Hear us podcast on the film HERE
Cop Car - Kevin Bacon in the performance of a life time. Also it was a small, indie film that didn't suck and, therefore, didn't get much publicity. If you didn't catch this then go back and watch it. It's the Coen Brothers with a dash of Stand By Me and Buster Keaton thrown in for good measure. Hear us podcast on the film HERE
Honourable mention goes out to The Martial Arts Kid. You can read my review HERE
I want to hear your opinion, please leave a comment below.
Thanks
Top 10s - New York Movies
Scroll down for other lists.
Top 10 New York Movie Oddities
by Jon Cross
I love movies, spend 30 seconds on this site and I hope that’s abundantly obvious. I also love New York. The city I have called home for almost 7 years has been good to me and I sincerely feel like I belong here.There are a ton of films I watched growing up that have defined New York for me. Travis Bickle’s cab going through the steam on a sleazy 42nd Street, Manhattan’s monochrome skyline accentuated by the strains of Gershwin’s Rhapsody in Blue, Dustin Hoffman’s "I’m walkin’ here!” from Midnight Cowboy, the Ghostbusters taking down a marshmallow sailor over on Central Park West, Harry dropping Sally off at Washington Sq Park, Robin Williams trying to get to Amanda Plumber among a sea of waltzing commuters in Grand Central Station in the sublime Fisher King and so on and so on.
There are plenty of blogs and lists out there that will rightfully sing the praises of these and other, famous, New York moments on film.
As I got older though, I discovered some New York films of the 80s that have a different sensibility to them. Genre films, grindhouse movies or gonzo filmmaking that used the run down and grimy corners of New York not to their detriment but as a back drop for weird and wonderful stories featuring a surprising cast of characters. I became familiar with filmmakers such as Bill Lustig, James Glickenhaus, Frank Henenlotter and Larry Cohen. So I wanted to put together a list that celebrated them and other oddball movies set in this fantastic city.
I probably love all the New York films you do, of course, but here are some that I think you should probably check out, if you haven’t already, that may not appear on many other, similar, lists.
Interestingly enough, John Heard and Daniel Stern would later work with Macaulay Culkin and he would prove a much harder foe to destroy.
On a side note I got to see C.H.U.D. out the back of the divey-est of dive bars, near the port authority bus terminal and spitting distance from 42nd street. It was a tremendously ‘authentic’ experience!
In the case of Basket Case, director Frank Henenlotter dreamt up a monster that looked like something he may have sneezed out during a particularly heinous case of the flu but which is meant to be the once conjoined twin brother of our lead protagonist, Duane Bradley (played by the unlikely named Kevin Van Hentenryck).
Belial, the evil twin beast, goes on a sexually frustrated rampage around the city while Duane holds up in the scummiest and seediest hotel that 42nd Street had to offer.
Starring the strange faced, mumbly anti-hero you can’t help but root for, Robert Ginty, The Exterminator is sort of an even grimier Taxi Driver but with all the tormented, inward philosophising taken out and replaced with flame thrower interrogation, leaving thugs to be eaten to death by rats and dropping a guy into a meat grinder.
Hot on Ginty’s trail is police detective, love machine and budget William Shatner, Christopher George. If only Ginty wore less distinctive, special made footwear they may never have figured out who The Exterminator was.
Hear me talk with the legend James Glickenhaus on The After Movie Diner Podcast
7. Of Unknown Origin - One of many 'adulterous executive' roles for the thinking lady’s lord of the jazz, Peter “Buckeroo Banzai” Weller as he goes head to head with every New Yorker’s worst nightmare next to bed bugs, a giant, brownstone wrecking rat.From the director of Cobra and Tombstone, George P. Cosmatos, this is a tense, repetitive but joyously mad 'man versus beast’ movie. In fact it hardly deviates from the rodent based, destructive mayhem, apart from a brief and unecessary affair with his secretary and an amazing dining room scene where Weller quotes endless, incredible rat facts to a startled room of stiff collars in his perfect, iconic drawl.
As one of the better films in the horror monster sub-genre of ‘rat movie’ the whole thing just becomes a bizarre, gonzo oddity with an ending that will leave you both bemused and applauding wildly.
Hear co-host Jon Wallace and myself talk about Of Unknown Origin on The After Movie Diner Podcast
Taimak plays Leroy Green, the highly trained, disciplined but nerdy kung fu fighter embroiled in a war he doesn’t want with the larger than life Sho’nuff (A.K.A "The Shogun of Harlem”) played by the heroically hammy Julius J. Carry III. One of them has to be the supreme master and old Sho and his army of similarly ludicrously attired hench-people will stop at nothing to find out who. The also mono-named Vanity plays the dancing diva with a heart of gold who falls for the naive Leroy.
Considering the Blaxploitation heyday was 10 years passed by the time this was released, it stands tall and virtually alone as a favourite for anyone who grew up in the 80s but especially young African Americans who would rarely see themselves depicted as a lead in a movie like this, at that time.
It has been touring throughout 2015 celebrating its 30th year and even got a fantastic Blu ray release.
Hear me talk about The Last Dragon and diverse, action cinema with creator of the Urban Action Showcase, Demetrius Angelo on The After Movie Diner Podcast
It has delicious subplots, a complicated but fantastically, cliche riddled back story for its villain and is filmed, very often completely guerrilla style, on the streets of New York, including during the St.Patrick’s Day parade!
It even has a cameo from Sam “For The Love Of The Game” Raimi and spawned two fantastically nutso sequels!
Hear me talk to Bill Lustig all about the Maniac Cop trilogy and his career on The After Movie Diner Podcast
You don’t get much cooler than the genre icon double act of Robert “The alligator slayer” Forster and Fred “The Hammer” Williamson going after a bunch of Che Guevara wannabes on the dangerous streets of the outer boroughs of the big apple.
Bill Lustig again directs and the ante is upped by not only featuring the, legitimately shocking, murder of Forster’s 8 yr old son but also by his wife leaving him. The judicial system is filled with corruption and villainy itself and so, with nowhere else to turn, Forster joins The Hammer’s neighbourhood crime stopping efforts to hunt down the people who destroyed his life an enact furious vengeance all over their stupid bodies.
Hear Dr.Action and me talk to Fred “The Hammer” Williamson about Vigilante and other films in his awesome career on The After Movie Diner Podcast
Based on a book, which I haven’t read, the movie features some hilarious dialogue, some really odd sight gags and a slightly dark sense of humour. It only falters when it attempts to become actually romantic, which it thankfully doesn’t do much (and even then with a knowing wink) but for the park bench dialogues between Grodin and Martin alone the film is worth its inclusion here.
This film is all over the place, action, New York Exploitation brilliance from its low key Central Park start through to its Sam Elliot hanging onto the wheels of a plane, gloriously implausible ending.
It doesn’t get better than the escape from a flea pit, movie theatre on the deuce and the ensuing motorbike and sidecar chase through a cardboard city by the river and ending with Sam Elliot making a car explode by shooting it a bit.
The movie is so utterly bonkers and fast paced you joyously throw your hands up and go along with the ride safe in the knowledge that you’re in the good hands of Elliot, Weller and Glickenhaus. This should’ve been a franchise.
Hear me talk with the legend James Glickenhaus on The After Movie Diner Podcast
AND
Hear co-host Jon Wallace and me discuss Shakedown on The After Movie Diner Podcast
Michael Moriarty’s insanely well played, skittish piano player and a prehistoric, giant, flying, lizard god terrorise New York and only Shaft, Caine from Kung-Fu and an undercover mime can stop them!
Larry Cohen’s bonkers monster movie may be the very best film to ever come out of a premise like that. The acting from Moriarty should seriously win awards for the finest in all of Exploitation cinema and, considering the budget, the effects and location work are excellent.
Like all of Cohen’s work and, indeed a lot of the films on this list, there are comments and subplots throughout that either deal with city corruption or the crumbling society. None of these films are simple exploitation and all either have something to say about the times or are an incredible catalogue of the times when, some feel, New York City WAS New York City before Disney moved in.
I, personally, feel that you can still find corners of the city with dive bars, diners or where B Movies are playing and yeah you may have to look a little harder but the experience is still there to be had, for the most dedicated of fan. Also you can live that lifestyle with very little threat of being stabbed in the face, harassed by a sex worker or stuck with a hypodermic full of either disease or drugs. So, bonus! Come to New York!!
Read my full review of Q The Winged Serpent HERE
and hear Doug Tilley, Moe Porne and myself discuss the film on Drunk on VHS
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So this whole 'Top 10 of New York movies' idea came from a conversation I was having with poet extraordinaire and guest blogger Kylie Goetz. So I invited her to present her list and she also managed to get another list from her co-worker Andrew Morgan.
By way of contrast then and to bring up some other excellent suggestions of New York movies, here are Kylie’s and Andrew’s lists!
Kylie’s 10 NY Movies
by Kylie GoetzWhittling it down wasn’t easy because there are so many New York movies and so many New York movie lists, I have chosen these simply as mine. I, of course, have left out many, many, many. It would be easier to name 100 than 10.
There maybe other iconic NY movies that are better made, better written and worthier films than the ones I picked but these are the ones that resonate with me.
My criteria was as follows:
- This one seems pretty obvious, but the action must predominantly take place somewhere in the five boroughs of NYC.
- The setting is integral to the story; it can’t be moved to Ft. Lauderdale and work just as well.
- There are some movies that are on everybody’s most iconic NY movie lists. I didn’t feel the need to repeat them. How could you leave out King Kong or Breakfast at Tiffany’s, you ask? I just did. Deal with it.
- I like it. (Dammit, it’s my top ten and while Coyote Ugly certainly fits my first two criteria, I’m not putting it on my freaking list.)
1. When Harry Met Sally - The Washington Square Arch, Katz’s, the Central Park Boathouse, not being able to catch a cab on NYE, lugging an xmas tree down the sidewalk, the Met’s Temple of Dendur, Billy Crystal and Bruno Kirby in too tight exercise pants speed walking in Central Park, I love all of it!
Also in my top 3 movies of movies. Possibly the greatest rom-com of all time.
2. Both Ghostbusters - I’m combining 1 and 2 under this because while the first is my preferred, the second has a stompy Lady Liberty and that’s pretty awesome. Also gooey rage sewers, that’s pretty New York.
3. Coming to America - It’s set in Jackson Heights. I live in Jackson Heights.
****It’s also very funny. In case you didn’t know.****
4. The Muppets Take Manhattan - Gregory Hines on skates in Central Park, Joan Rivers as a perfume counter salesgirl, diners and Broadway, frogs and dogs and bears and chickens and... and whatever!
This movie has everything.
5. The Clock - I definitely felt the need to include something older and I heart classic films. I considered more well-known choices like 42nd Street or On the Town, but I unabashedly love this movie. Joe Allen is a soldier with two days of leave and meets Judy Garland. She shows him around New York and they get married before he ships off for WWII. It’s sappy and I’m a big sap. Also, my folks have a similar story but in a different city and a different war. Pivotal scene and titular clock is at Grand Central.
6. Miracle on 34th Street - There’s a miracle and it’s on 34th Street. What else do you need?
7. Annie Hall - So, I debated this with someone… and while I agree that Manhattan might be considered more iconic and is freaking titled Manhattan; that movie creeps me out and Diane Keaton is fantastic, so I am sticking with Annie Hall.
8. Crocodile Dundee - This is one of my favorite outsider comes to the big city films. (May be biased as a half-Australian.)
9. Working Girl - Again, it certainly doesn’t need to be on anyone else’s NY movie list, and of course, the movie has flaws. Some people seriously hate it and, honestly, my favorite characters in this movie were always the secondary ones. But when I was a kid, nothing said New York to me more that Joan Cusack’s sneakers/heel shoe change and Carly Simon singing, “Let the River Run.” Also, Alec Baldwin at the height of his deliciousness.
10. Brighton Beach Memoirs - This was a bit of a toss-up for me. Neil Simon had to be on this list somewhere and Barefoot in the Park is very New York and also delightful but Brighton Beach Memoirs encapsulates growing up in the city in such a specific and amazing way – it won out.
Movies that would be on my larger list: Beat Street, Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle, Scrooged, Do the Right Thing, How to Marry a Millionaire, The Apartment, 3 Days of the Condor, the rest of the Neil Simon movies… And still there’s Wall Street, Gangs of New York, Guys and Dolls, Arthur, Saturday Night Fever, etc., etc., etc., ad infinitum.
Kylie has an excellent 'word of the day' poetry blog where she writes a whole new poem every single day! It’s awesome. Check it out HERE
You can also follow her on Twitter to keep up with each poem and each word!
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Andrew’s Top 10 Iconic NYC Films
I echo all of the criteria elements suggested by Kylie’s list with the exception of these being films I like, not that anyone else will:
- Predominantly taking place in one of the five boroughs
- Setting integral to the story
- Not necessarily on everyone’s list
- I like it
2. American Psycho (2000) – what screams NYC more than white collar sociopathic murder, graphic sex, and a Huey Lewis soundtrack?
3. Wolf of Wall Street (2013) – there were certainly others before it, but this one nails it. Perfect balance of humor, drama, and wit showcasing the popular success/failure theme of Wall Street ambition.
4. Requiem for Dream (2000) – Coney Island isn’t all fun and sun. No better film explores the dark corners of the human psyche as driven by the influence of addiction.
5. The Godfather (1972) – the pioneer film of organized crime dramas and Italian immigrant influence on popular American culture.
6. RENT (2005) – the struggle is real.
7. Big (1988) – you only have to look like you’re old enough to make it here, no one ever said you have to act like it. This is basically my life philosophy.
8. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) – we all wonder about what’s really down under the manhole covers. This film seems like a reasonable suggestion. I must admit it doesn’t fully meet criteria B, but I get one freebie. It was an integral part of my youth.
9. Finding Forrester (2000) – subtle take on themes of race and friendship through the perspective of two writers facing adversity in different ways.
10. Friends with Benefits (2011) – had to include a NYC rom-com and well....Justin and Mila just do it for me a lot more than Tom and Meg.
Honorable Mentions: First Wives Club (1996), Ghost (1993), Cruel Intentions (1999), Harriet the Spy (1996), Inside Man (2006), The Squid and the Whale (2005), Black Swan (2010), Whiplash (2014), Sleepless in Seattle (1993), You’ve Got Mail (1998), Great Expectations (1998), Ghostbusters (1984)
*The only film I really wanted to include but wasn’t sure if it qualified based on the criteria outlined, was The Royal Tenenbaums. Parts of it were certainly filmed in NY and the setting certainly has NYC elements, I don’t think the location is ever actually confirmed in the film and some iconic landmarks are intentionally removed
ALL NEW Video Reviews!
Video one looks at a couple of OzSploitation classics and one recent B-Movie dud
I review Wyrmwood: Road of the Dead, Wolf Cop and Fair Game
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Video two is all Italian Exploitation movies from the 80s and 90s
I review 1990: The Bronx Warriors, it’s sequel, Escape From the Bronx and the legitimate cult classic Cemetery Man AKA Dellamorte Dellamore.
Please please please give us feedback and let us know what you think of these videos in the comments below! Thanks!
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The After Movie Diner Video Review 1 - Avengers 2: Age of Ultron
These were my initial thoughts on seeing the film. I hope to cover it in more depth on a podcast soon.
I am looking to do more video reviews so please suggestions suggestions. That would be great!
2014: The Diner's Verdict
I have to say that overall I found 2014 to be pretty uneven for films.
I know Edgar Wright (and others) have said that "people who don't think there are any good films aren't watching enough films" and I am inclined to agree, for example I list 13 films from 2014 I have yet to see, and really want to, later in this article, but based on the following statements, I am still going to go with 2014 was an uneven year for films.
People fell over themselves to praise comic films like Guardians of the Galaxy, X-Men: Days of Future Past or Captain America: The Winter Soldier and while I enjoyed each of them, none of them really set my world on fire either.
Critical or internet darlings like Under The Skin, Boyhood, Gone Girl, Blue Ruin and The Double, not to spoil it for you, but actually all make my worst of 2014 list.
Out of the top earners of 2014, Transformers:Age of Extinction (I wish these fucking films were extinct!), Maleficent, The Hunger Games: Mockingly - Part 1 (So much wrong with that title and concept, where do I begin), Interstellar and The Hobbit: When will this damn thing end held absolutely no interest for me.
Even sure fire certainties for me like The Monuments Men, Wes Anderson's Grand Budapest Hotel and The Expendables 3 were all let downs in their own way.
The rest of the year was then littered with crap like I,Frankenstein, The Robocop remake, The Other Woman, Walk of Shame, Blended, A Million Ways To Die In The West, Tammy, Sex Tape, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles remake, Let's Be Cops... wait wait wait... was there a GOOD comedy released in 2014?? hmmmm
Anyway, out of that pile I picked 12 I loved, 9 I really hated and compiled a couple of other lists for your reading pleasure. ENJOY!
Best films of 2014:
12. Begin Again - Ok so apart from being a bit of a closet romantic and sensitive as all hell, I am also a sucker for good films about New York and live music. There's plenty to be cautious about with this one, Adam Levine for example needs to be cock punched repeatedly but this film casts him as a preening, pretentious, egotistical bastard who cheats on Keira Knightly like an absolute twat and then becomes a tight jeans wearing hipster prick over night, so that takes care of him. James Corden is another one but he hasn't got a huge part, I haven't lived in England while he got annoying for everyone else and apart from the first season of Gavin and Stacey I haven't seen anything else he's in, so I am ok there. As for the unabashed, infectious, ruffled, cute tweeness of it all well, the music, the direction and the other performances are just so good it doesn't matter. It also helps if you just love New York with your entire gut. I have walked round this city, music in my headphones, lost in the passionate embrace of tunes and the night, so I get this film on a gut level. Maybe not one for everyone but I left the cinema and danced 25 blocks!
11. Tusk - ok so maybe it's the weakest film on the list but it's on here for a very definite reason. As a fan of Kevin Smith's early work, as a fan of batshit crazy B-movies and as someone who, of late, has come to despair of the work of other early 90s indie hopefuls like Tarantino, Linklater, Soderbergh and Fincher as their budgets rose or their ego's expanded, I have to applaud the later era small, weird films of Kevin Smith.
A lot of the hatred levelled at Smith is that if you start to listen to all his podcasts, follow his twitter feed or get close to the 'cult of Smith' then he can become overextended, insufferable and repetitive. Not least of all about his fairly recent discoveries of hockey and weed.
To dismiss Red State, Tusk and his future bizarre sounding batch of flicks including Yoga Hosers and Moose Jaws though is to miss out on some fascinating movies from a film-maker having fun, taking chances, making films far from the Hollywood norm and someone who has found a way to tell the stories he wants to make, the way he wants to make them.
Tarantino and Rodriguez make obvious rip offs and homages to the grindhouse or b-movies of the 70s with varying degrees of success (I prefer Rodriguez's joyously mental take to Tarantino's film snobbery and self worship) whereas Kevin Smith is making the odd ball b-movies of the future. If you'd seen Red State or Tusk in a Drive-In of the 70s, you'd all be still raving about them today.
Still don't buy my argument? Here's one you can't dispute - Michael Parks. Michael Parks gives two performances in Red State and Tusk which are undeniable, transfixing gold. Also Johnny Depp shows up in Tusk with a character NOT inspired by Keith Richards or Hunter S Thompson (quick call the fucking tabloids!!) and while I accept it's a love it or hate it kind of performance, the fact that it's in this film at all or the fact Depp and Smith ran with it, should be applauded.
10. A Walk Among The Tombstones - I have a thing for later Liam Neeson movies. Hence why he makes my list twice this year. Tombstones was sold, ineptly and wrongly, as yet another in a long line of Neeson Taken clones. In fact if Neeson's recent work shows anything it's the unimaginative and pigeon-holing work of idiotic Hollywood marketing companies rather than Neeson only playing one note. Liam Neeson has actually been doing a few different things in a variety of roles with different outcomes but, sadly, like fellow action Brit, Jason Statham people are only intent to see him as only playing his Taken persona in a series of run-of-the-mill thrillers or action pics. Well just like if you watched Crank 2 and Hummingbird/Redemption you'd easily see that Statham isn't just doing Statham, the same can be said for Neeson in Taken and Walk Among The Tombstones. Tombstones is a pleasingly low key, old school style gumshoe story with some wonderful late 90s motifs and overtones in it. It's a good script, directed and delivered well, that is more Seven than Die Hard.
Hear us discuss it further on the After Movie Diner Podcast here: http://amdpodcast.blogspot.com/2014/12/episode-143-walk-among-neeson-tombstones.html
09. Edge of Tomorrow - Action Cruise is good Cruise. This is my decree. Sci-Fi Cruise only occasionally works but blend that Sci-Fi with plenty of action, humour, a great supporting cast, an awesomely underrated director and set that shit in the country of my birth? Well dammit if you don't have a winner! While some missed the point entirely and complained about the computer game/Groundhog Day nature of the plot, the thing that really shone through all the CGI whizzbangery and contrived, repetitive set-up was a set of excellently human, funny, scared, capable characters ably portrayed by actors giving tremendous performances, helped by a tight, perfect script.
Hear us discuss it further on the After Movie Diner Podcast here: http://amdpodcast.blogspot.com/2014/06/episode-127-edge-of-tomorrow.html
08. The Bag Man - One of the things I loved doing in 2014, with my friend James Wallace, was trudging down to the cinema in New York to see odd little movies, usually starring John Cusack or someone of his, now, sadly straight-to-video ilk, that would screen for one week and then head to VOD or DVD. The Bag Man was one such film and the reason it's on this list is it was such a radiant, wonderful, pleasant and exciting surprise. Everyone else, of course, either missed this gem or was professionally, pretentiously snarky and down their nose at it. More fool them. It was a great throw back to those mid-90s, post Tarantino, ensemble cast thrillers like Things To Do in Denver When You're Dead with a witty, play-like script, one or two settings and a cast having a genuinely awesome time with the material. De Niro and Cusack are wonderful in it, better than either of them has been in an age and Crispin Glover provides some creeps and some laughs in a supporting role. While not everyone will get a kick out of this smart, knowing, quirky, small film, James and I enjoyed it immensely.
Hear us discuss it further on the After Movie Diner Podcast here: http://amdpodcast.blogspot.com/2014/03/episode-117-bag-man.html
07. The Equalizer - As a fan of the original TV Series I was not sure going into this big, dark, Hollywood re-imagining (I hate that word) starring Denzel Washington, that I was going to like any of it. To be honest I wrestled between this and John Wick (which gets an honourable mention below). The Equalizer won out because I find Washington a much more charming screen presence and because I had way more unexpected fun with this flick than I did John Wick. Both films were a surprise, both films were ones, for some reason, you don't expect to get made any more, outside the straight to streaming/DVD market and both films deserve to be seen and enjoyed by every action fan on the planet. The Equalizer, however, either got me on a good day, or hit the right spot because I loved the hell out of it. I think it's because there is something to the plot, something to the way it was filmed, something to the leisurely pacing and something to the performances that lured me in and enveloped me like a big cosy, Sunday afternoon, action blanket. It feels far more Leon: The Professional than, say, Taken, The Raid or, for that matter, John Wick and while I am all for crash bangery, kick assery and explosions, the day I saw this I was all about watching Denzel slowly and surely come to terms with his mission and then execute it in a fun, cool, awesome way.
06. The Battered Bastards of Baseball - I thought the half way spot was a perfect place for the only documentary on my list. Every year I think 'I must watch more documentaries', after all Netflix is riddled with free ones but, to be honest, while I am sure things like Jodorowsky's Dune etc. are absolutely excellent, sometimes I just don't feel intellectual enough or something. My terrible secret is that while I want to watch intelligent films and arty films and feel all important and deep (I have an ego just like anyone else), I pretty much take good entertainment over most things.
I came to baseball late. When I moved to New York I had no interest in sports whatsoever. After a couple of games in Yankee Stadium, however, I was hooked. I know the Yankees come under a lot of criticism and I know people think I should, for some odd reason, support "underdog" team The Mets but to do that, just because they are the "underdogs" would seem phoney and pretentious. I came to the Yankees honestly, organically and without the burden of having grown up with the rivalries or public personas that can make or break teams. However the one criticism I have of them, as a scruffy, bearded, hobo like person is they are not raggedy enough and don't seem to have enough fun. Having watched The Battered Bastards of Baseball I am pretty much sure that, had I been alive and American, the Portland Mavericks would've been MY team. Owned by actor and Kurt Russell's father, Bing Russell, the Portland Mavericks were an independent minor league baseball team at a time when everyone else was part of the MLB. Talk about underdogs, they were the kings of the underdogs and the film shows the fun, the fortune and the eventual fall of the team with all the wide eyed wonder and passion you could want. For baseball and non-baseball fans alike.
05. Non-Stop - Liam 'The Throat Puncher' Neeson is back and this time he is taking names and throat punching people at 30,000 feet! This is the pure escapist, I have no justification for it other than I have had immense fun with this film more than once in 2014, addition to the list. Forgive the action fanboy in me if you must, if you expect all top 10 lists to be filled with intelligent insights and rhapsodic waxing about camera angles and intricate performances then, you may have realised by now, you are completely in the wrong place. I loved this movie, I still love this movie and, to me, in action Neeson stakes, it's second only to Taken so far in terms of sheer badassery and enjoyment.
04. The Raid 2 - The Raid 2 achieved everything a successful sequel should achieve. It expanded the world and the storyline of the first movie and it gave fans of the first plenty of the same while giving film fans more of a story, more about the characters and just about more of everything. People who complained The Raid didn't have enough story and characters then here was more dialogue, more story, more settings, more characters, more depth and more creativity but people hungry for more lunatic action antics, insane camera work and death defying stunts, well those were there too. It was noticeably bigger but difficult to say if it was any better or, if indeed, it needed to be better. I think Gareth Evans side-stepped that issue a little by making it noticeably different, rather than simply trying to better himself. The first one had an originality, vibrancy and simplistic set up that everyone could enjoy whereas The Raid 2 felt more for the hardcore action fan, movie fan, art fan etc. amongst us. It also had a wonderful emotional core and weariness to Iko Uwais's acting performance that showed us he could go way beyond just simply kicking ass.
It was a tremendous movie and another one, like Non-Stop, which I have already revisited in 2014.
03. Ninja 2: Shadow Of A Tear - The Raid 2 was the best action sequel of the year, right? Think again! The Raid 2 certainly qualifies as the 'thinking person's' action sequel of the year. The Raid 2 allows everyone from knuckleheads to academics alike to stroke their collective beards and proclaim it a good movie. Ninja 2: Shadow Of A Tear on the other hand sadly, more often than not, elicits the response "wait there was a Ninja 1?" or "who's this Scott Atkins fella" or "is this some dumb movie like those 80s Ninja films that I like to derisively laugh at because I am an obnoxious twat?"
Scott Adkins, for those not in the know, is a British martial artist and actor who has been, much like director Isaac Florentine, paying his dues in straight to video fare for way longer than is reasonable. For the past 9 years the pair have produced some of the best action cinema you've probably never seen. If you have and I am preaching to the converted then pat yourself heartily on the back and I'll assume you've seen Ninja 2 or are going to. The rest of you, go watch this movie now! While Ninja 1, much like Gareth Evans and Iko Uwais with Merantu Warrior, was a director and an actor figuring out a new way to go and stumbles, only slightly, in its balance between old school simple storytelling and kinetic, acrobatic action. Ninja 2: Shadow of a Tear is like The Raid (or Tony Jaa's Protector before it), an off the hook tear through action set piece after action set piece in all it's breath-taking, high kicking, balletic splendour with director and actor/performer working together at the top of their game. It's surprising, it's incredible and it's well worth the ride. Plus, in a nice little nod to the aforementioned 80s ninja movies, Kane Kosugi shows up and proves himself an incredibly worthy successor to his father's ninja crown.
All things being equal, Scott Adkins should be a huge action star. Trouble is all things aren't equal. For example, despite his best efforts and a ridiculous amount of aggressive hatred from most right thinking people, Justin Bieber still has a career. Think on that a moment, shout violent and hideous things to make you feel better and then do ALL YOU CAN as a consumer to give Adkins his due.
02. Selma - Ok so time to get all serious. I have sung the praises of this movie elsewhere, you can read my full review HERE but basically this is a, sadly, still very relevant and incredibly important movie. The performances are stunning, the script is brilliant and the direction assured.
It would be so easy for this movie to be manipulative, overly simplified, tug on the heart strings, tug on the guilt etc. etc. and just rest on its weighty, pertinent theme but no, this is a complex, layered, fascinating film that demands your attention, your intelligence, you heart and your soul.
It's a MUST see. No if, ands or buts about it.
01. Birdman - Birdman may very well be about absolutely nothing and be blindsiding me with its gimmicks, its knock out performances, its breakneck speed, the welcome return of Michael Keaton, the romance of the theatre, the New York setting, the stunning cinematography and so on and so on, as I said earlier, I may not be too intellectual or watch stuff in that way, but it doesn't matter. It's phenomenal. Everyone's performance but, weirdly, Naomi Watts, is so on point in this film as to be utterly jaw dropping. Michael Keaton, Ed Norton, Emma Stone, Zach Galifianakis, Amy Ryan and Andrea Riseborough could all win Oscars and Golden Globes by the bucket load and you wouldn't be able to argue with anyone. The pace that is maintained, the seemingly unbroken, unedited, continual floating, tracking, steadicam camera shot, the soundtrack, the sound editing, the note perfect script, the hilarious comedy, the soul crushing drama and the setting are all completely spellbinding and exhilarating. You've heard horror movies described as a haunted house roller-coaster or action movies as an explosive ride, well here it's the acting and the dialogue that is the speeding train, the huge spectacle, the driving force, the explosion, the 40 foot monster and the spaceship landing. On top of that the visuals are a feast for the senses too. I came out of the cinema and needed to see it again immediately. I have kicked myself every day since that I haven't seen it again yet.
As for its meanings, its layers and its message I personally think you can take from it whatever you want. It plays damn well as just sheer entertainment too. Ultimately though and to be cliche and cheesy for a moment it can be summed up by that old passage from Shakespeare:
"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."
Honourable Mentions:
Lucy - bonkers Luc Besson directed, Scarlett Johansson starring sci-fi action film that surprised, enthralled and baffled in equal, pleasing measure.
John Wick - Keanu Reeves kicks everyone's ass repeatedly because some mindless, cruel idiot killed his dog and because that dog was his entire life. It's poetic as much as it's awesomely action packed.
Snowpiercer - While I didn't go nuts over this in quite the same way others would, this tragically little seen, inventively cast, action, sci-fi oddity was just so inventive and intriguing that it bares mentioning, a second watch and I urge everyone who hasn't seen it to see it immediately.
Worst of 2014 (based on US Release Dates):
09. Blue Ruin - long, slow, hardly any dialogue and hardly any point. Not bad so much as just unrelentingly boring.
08. Under The Skin - Sure there were parts that were haunting and Scarlet Johansson, when given dialogue, was surprisingly good but it was all too achingly art house, pretentious, inexplicable, wilfully confusing, thoroughly boring in places and just when you had a handle on what it was about it became about nothing at all. I hate films like this. They are made just so people can talk about them and try and look clever. If I ever heard people discussing how deep and meaningful they thought it was I would either demand they tell me exactly how (and I bet they couldn't really) or I'd simply throw up on them.
07. Android Cop - The Asylum strike again and utterly, unforgivably waste Michael Jai White in this shoddily put together, action lacking, tedious slice of mock-buster crappery.
06. St.Vincent - I don't know who thought this film was a good idea. From Naomi Watts's hideous interpretation of the tired old cliche of nagging Russian hooker and Melissa McCarthy's thankless, badly written role to the trite, really wraps nothing up at all but emotionally satisfies about as long as a goose fart ending, this is an utter waste of the talents of all involved. Not even Bill Murray can save it and doesn't look like he even cares to try.
05. Gone Girl - AGHHHHH David Fincher you infuriating bastard!! You make the best film you are now, sadly, probably ever going to make in Zodiac and you follow it up with three undiluted turds. Social Network was as vapid and irritating as its tedious, ego fuelled, subject matter, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo was awful, it was like a bad Poirot episode with tits (and not in a good way) and your latest, Gone Girl sinks even lower as it is an obvious, melodramatic, Lifetime channel, made for TV movie that might well have been called "Oh no! I married a psycho!" stretched out over 2 and a half agonising hours. That people discussed this, seriously, as a great movie this year and raved about it has me thinking everyone has gone fucking mental. This isn't even the level of cheesy 90s thrillers like Deceived or Malice but it thinks it's high art. Madness. Everyone involved should be ashamed.
04. Boyhood - Wake me up when it's over! Seriously people, I had a more interesting life than this kid and I am not suggesting anyone turn my life into a 3hr movie. NOTHING HAPPENS for almost 3hrs except a slightly alcoholic man throws a glass and has a bit of an argument in one scene AND THAT'S IT! The film felt like I was living the most tedious, unremarkable, average life for 12 straight years. Was it interesting to watch people age over the course of 3hrs? Honestly? Nope, not even a little bit. That this topped list after list of greatest films of 2014 is such a case of the emperor's new clothes as to be mind boggling for eternity. It was like watching someone else's home videos. Watching your own is bad enough but someone else's is enough to make you want to gnaw your own foot off.
Step back for one second and ask yourself this question - was this film interesting or relevant enough to be made normally with, say, 3 separate actors in ageing make up (or whatever) playing the role of the kid? Was the script good enough? was the direction good enough? The answer for me is a resounding no. So if it wasn't good enough to be made like that, why does the fact the kid ages 12 years make a slight bit of difference? This is, what seemed like, 12 years of my life I will never get back.
03. The Double - pretentious, boring, irritating, unfunny and it consciously, obviously rips off so much of Terry Gilliam's Brazil and Eraserhead without any of the wit, design, style or meaning. I don't know why I have put it higher than these other films that were equally god awful. I think it's because the film finished and I was just so angry I wanted to find everyone responsible and repeatedly kick them in their genitals. Then again it might just be that Jesse Eisenberg, especially being smug and awful (which is all he has been hired to play recently) is its own special slice of fury inducing hell.
02. Tony Jaa's The Protector 2 - Sadly everything is wrong with this movie. Absolutely everything. Not least of which is that it's the sequel to one of the greatest, jaw dropping and spellbinding martial arts films of all time. The over abundance of awful awful CGI, the unimaginative fight sequences, RZA as the laughable final villain, more cocking elephants, incoherent and irrelevant plotting, uninspired, tedious soundtrack, cheap looking and confusing direction and the list just goes on and on.
01. The Interview - All the other films on this list, for my sins, I made it through their running time. This one I turned off after about 40 minutes. Forget the hype, forget who hacked who, forget the fact these guys were once in Freaks and Geeks and realise that saying 'oh it's just a dumb comedy' doesn't forgive this unmitigated piece of turgid, humourless, infantile shit. Even a dumb comedy has to have laughs, I would've settled for one, involuntary snigger. Fuck I would've settled for a slightly approving stomach gurgle!! Please someone explain to me why someone being gay is a joke? The first 40mins of this movie is packed full of 'isn't it funny to be gay' jokes and that's not to even mention the racist, xenophobic and sexist humour that wasn't even funny in 1982 when such things were more permissible.
Now, before you go labelling me a politically correct, conservative and overly serious person I suggest you go listen to 5 minutes of my Dr.Action and the Kick Ass Kid podcast and then we can talk. I have no problem with bad taste humour just as long as it is funny. From minute one of this film I was wishing both Rogen and Franco would be mauled to death by Rottweilers and by minute five of the film I was wishing I could be. I couldn't find one redeemable moment in the first half of this shittily made, shittily written, shittily acted, flimsy excuse for a film. That this was the film everyone went to bat for and used as a beacon of freedom of speech makes me even more angry and incensed.
Just writing about my hatred for it is making me annoyed so I am just going to stop. Just like Rogen and Franco need to now. Forever.
Ones I still have to see from 2014:
Frank
The Guest
Dear White People
Chef
22 Jump Street
The November Man
The Skeleton Twins
Top Five
Rosewater
Inherent Vice
Kill The Messenger
Obvious Child
Jodorowsky's Dune
Best first time watches in 2014 from other years:
Blaxploitation awesomeness:
Three The Hard Way
Slaughter
Shaft (yeah I know, I know... well now I have seen it - AND LOVE IT)
Cynthia Rothrockery:
Righting Wrongs/Above The Law
Guardian Angel
Sworn To Justice
Martial Law 2
The Guard - Hilarious and superbly acted Irish comedy.
American Mary - A nice little original horror drama from the very promising Soska Twins.
So? what did you think?? LEAVE YOUR COMMENTS BELOW!!
I know Edgar Wright (and others) have said that "people who don't think there are any good films aren't watching enough films" and I am inclined to agree, for example I list 13 films from 2014 I have yet to see, and really want to, later in this article, but based on the following statements, I am still going to go with 2014 was an uneven year for films.
People fell over themselves to praise comic films like Guardians of the Galaxy, X-Men: Days of Future Past or Captain America: The Winter Soldier and while I enjoyed each of them, none of them really set my world on fire either.
Critical or internet darlings like Under The Skin, Boyhood, Gone Girl, Blue Ruin and The Double, not to spoil it for you, but actually all make my worst of 2014 list.
Out of the top earners of 2014, Transformers:Age of Extinction (I wish these fucking films were extinct!), Maleficent, The Hunger Games: Mockingly - Part 1 (So much wrong with that title and concept, where do I begin), Interstellar and The Hobbit: When will this damn thing end held absolutely no interest for me.
Even sure fire certainties for me like The Monuments Men, Wes Anderson's Grand Budapest Hotel and The Expendables 3 were all let downs in their own way.
The rest of the year was then littered with crap like I,Frankenstein, The Robocop remake, The Other Woman, Walk of Shame, Blended, A Million Ways To Die In The West, Tammy, Sex Tape, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles remake, Let's Be Cops... wait wait wait... was there a GOOD comedy released in 2014?? hmmmm
Anyway, out of that pile I picked 12 I loved, 9 I really hated and compiled a couple of other lists for your reading pleasure. ENJOY!
Best films of 2014:
A lot of the hatred levelled at Smith is that if you start to listen to all his podcasts, follow his twitter feed or get close to the 'cult of Smith' then he can become overextended, insufferable and repetitive. Not least of all about his fairly recent discoveries of hockey and weed.
To dismiss Red State, Tusk and his future bizarre sounding batch of flicks including Yoga Hosers and Moose Jaws though is to miss out on some fascinating movies from a film-maker having fun, taking chances, making films far from the Hollywood norm and someone who has found a way to tell the stories he wants to make, the way he wants to make them.
Tarantino and Rodriguez make obvious rip offs and homages to the grindhouse or b-movies of the 70s with varying degrees of success (I prefer Rodriguez's joyously mental take to Tarantino's film snobbery and self worship) whereas Kevin Smith is making the odd ball b-movies of the future. If you'd seen Red State or Tusk in a Drive-In of the 70s, you'd all be still raving about them today.
Still don't buy my argument? Here's one you can't dispute - Michael Parks. Michael Parks gives two performances in Red State and Tusk which are undeniable, transfixing gold. Also Johnny Depp shows up in Tusk with a character NOT inspired by Keith Richards or Hunter S Thompson (quick call the fucking tabloids!!) and while I accept it's a love it or hate it kind of performance, the fact that it's in this film at all or the fact Depp and Smith ran with it, should be applauded.
Hear us discuss it further on the After Movie Diner Podcast here: http://amdpodcast.blogspot.com/2014/12/episode-143-walk-among-neeson-tombstones.html
Hear us discuss it further on the After Movie Diner Podcast here: http://amdpodcast.blogspot.com/2014/06/episode-127-edge-of-tomorrow.html
Hear us discuss it further on the After Movie Diner Podcast here: http://amdpodcast.blogspot.com/2014/03/episode-117-bag-man.html
I came to baseball late. When I moved to New York I had no interest in sports whatsoever. After a couple of games in Yankee Stadium, however, I was hooked. I know the Yankees come under a lot of criticism and I know people think I should, for some odd reason, support "underdog" team The Mets but to do that, just because they are the "underdogs" would seem phoney and pretentious. I came to the Yankees honestly, organically and without the burden of having grown up with the rivalries or public personas that can make or break teams. However the one criticism I have of them, as a scruffy, bearded, hobo like person is they are not raggedy enough and don't seem to have enough fun. Having watched The Battered Bastards of Baseball I am pretty much sure that, had I been alive and American, the Portland Mavericks would've been MY team. Owned by actor and Kurt Russell's father, Bing Russell, the Portland Mavericks were an independent minor league baseball team at a time when everyone else was part of the MLB. Talk about underdogs, they were the kings of the underdogs and the film shows the fun, the fortune and the eventual fall of the team with all the wide eyed wonder and passion you could want. For baseball and non-baseball fans alike.
It was a tremendous movie and another one, like Non-Stop, which I have already revisited in 2014.
Scott Adkins, for those not in the know, is a British martial artist and actor who has been, much like director Isaac Florentine, paying his dues in straight to video fare for way longer than is reasonable. For the past 9 years the pair have produced some of the best action cinema you've probably never seen. If you have and I am preaching to the converted then pat yourself heartily on the back and I'll assume you've seen Ninja 2 or are going to. The rest of you, go watch this movie now! While Ninja 1, much like Gareth Evans and Iko Uwais with Merantu Warrior, was a director and an actor figuring out a new way to go and stumbles, only slightly, in its balance between old school simple storytelling and kinetic, acrobatic action. Ninja 2: Shadow of a Tear is like The Raid (or Tony Jaa's Protector before it), an off the hook tear through action set piece after action set piece in all it's breath-taking, high kicking, balletic splendour with director and actor/performer working together at the top of their game. It's surprising, it's incredible and it's well worth the ride. Plus, in a nice little nod to the aforementioned 80s ninja movies, Kane Kosugi shows up and proves himself an incredibly worthy successor to his father's ninja crown.
All things being equal, Scott Adkins should be a huge action star. Trouble is all things aren't equal. For example, despite his best efforts and a ridiculous amount of aggressive hatred from most right thinking people, Justin Bieber still has a career. Think on that a moment, shout violent and hideous things to make you feel better and then do ALL YOU CAN as a consumer to give Adkins his due.
It would be so easy for this movie to be manipulative, overly simplified, tug on the heart strings, tug on the guilt etc. etc. and just rest on its weighty, pertinent theme but no, this is a complex, layered, fascinating film that demands your attention, your intelligence, you heart and your soul.
It's a MUST see. No if, ands or buts about it.
As for its meanings, its layers and its message I personally think you can take from it whatever you want. It plays damn well as just sheer entertainment too. Ultimately though and to be cliche and cheesy for a moment it can be summed up by that old passage from Shakespeare:
"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."
Honourable Mentions:
Lucy - bonkers Luc Besson directed, Scarlett Johansson starring sci-fi action film that surprised, enthralled and baffled in equal, pleasing measure.
John Wick - Keanu Reeves kicks everyone's ass repeatedly because some mindless, cruel idiot killed his dog and because that dog was his entire life. It's poetic as much as it's awesomely action packed.
Snowpiercer - While I didn't go nuts over this in quite the same way others would, this tragically little seen, inventively cast, action, sci-fi oddity was just so inventive and intriguing that it bares mentioning, a second watch and I urge everyone who hasn't seen it to see it immediately.
Worst of 2014 (based on US Release Dates):
09. Blue Ruin - long, slow, hardly any dialogue and hardly any point. Not bad so much as just unrelentingly boring.
08. Under The Skin - Sure there were parts that were haunting and Scarlet Johansson, when given dialogue, was surprisingly good but it was all too achingly art house, pretentious, inexplicable, wilfully confusing, thoroughly boring in places and just when you had a handle on what it was about it became about nothing at all. I hate films like this. They are made just so people can talk about them and try and look clever. If I ever heard people discussing how deep and meaningful they thought it was I would either demand they tell me exactly how (and I bet they couldn't really) or I'd simply throw up on them.
07. Android Cop - The Asylum strike again and utterly, unforgivably waste Michael Jai White in this shoddily put together, action lacking, tedious slice of mock-buster crappery.
06. St.Vincent - I don't know who thought this film was a good idea. From Naomi Watts's hideous interpretation of the tired old cliche of nagging Russian hooker and Melissa McCarthy's thankless, badly written role to the trite, really wraps nothing up at all but emotionally satisfies about as long as a goose fart ending, this is an utter waste of the talents of all involved. Not even Bill Murray can save it and doesn't look like he even cares to try.
05. Gone Girl - AGHHHHH David Fincher you infuriating bastard!! You make the best film you are now, sadly, probably ever going to make in Zodiac and you follow it up with three undiluted turds. Social Network was as vapid and irritating as its tedious, ego fuelled, subject matter, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo was awful, it was like a bad Poirot episode with tits (and not in a good way) and your latest, Gone Girl sinks even lower as it is an obvious, melodramatic, Lifetime channel, made for TV movie that might well have been called "Oh no! I married a psycho!" stretched out over 2 and a half agonising hours. That people discussed this, seriously, as a great movie this year and raved about it has me thinking everyone has gone fucking mental. This isn't even the level of cheesy 90s thrillers like Deceived or Malice but it thinks it's high art. Madness. Everyone involved should be ashamed.
04. Boyhood - Wake me up when it's over! Seriously people, I had a more interesting life than this kid and I am not suggesting anyone turn my life into a 3hr movie. NOTHING HAPPENS for almost 3hrs except a slightly alcoholic man throws a glass and has a bit of an argument in one scene AND THAT'S IT! The film felt like I was living the most tedious, unremarkable, average life for 12 straight years. Was it interesting to watch people age over the course of 3hrs? Honestly? Nope, not even a little bit. That this topped list after list of greatest films of 2014 is such a case of the emperor's new clothes as to be mind boggling for eternity. It was like watching someone else's home videos. Watching your own is bad enough but someone else's is enough to make you want to gnaw your own foot off.
Step back for one second and ask yourself this question - was this film interesting or relevant enough to be made normally with, say, 3 separate actors in ageing make up (or whatever) playing the role of the kid? Was the script good enough? was the direction good enough? The answer for me is a resounding no. So if it wasn't good enough to be made like that, why does the fact the kid ages 12 years make a slight bit of difference? This is, what seemed like, 12 years of my life I will never get back.
03. The Double - pretentious, boring, irritating, unfunny and it consciously, obviously rips off so much of Terry Gilliam's Brazil and Eraserhead without any of the wit, design, style or meaning. I don't know why I have put it higher than these other films that were equally god awful. I think it's because the film finished and I was just so angry I wanted to find everyone responsible and repeatedly kick them in their genitals. Then again it might just be that Jesse Eisenberg, especially being smug and awful (which is all he has been hired to play recently) is its own special slice of fury inducing hell.
02. Tony Jaa's The Protector 2 - Sadly everything is wrong with this movie. Absolutely everything. Not least of which is that it's the sequel to one of the greatest, jaw dropping and spellbinding martial arts films of all time. The over abundance of awful awful CGI, the unimaginative fight sequences, RZA as the laughable final villain, more cocking elephants, incoherent and irrelevant plotting, uninspired, tedious soundtrack, cheap looking and confusing direction and the list just goes on and on.
01. The Interview - All the other films on this list, for my sins, I made it through their running time. This one I turned off after about 40 minutes. Forget the hype, forget who hacked who, forget the fact these guys were once in Freaks and Geeks and realise that saying 'oh it's just a dumb comedy' doesn't forgive this unmitigated piece of turgid, humourless, infantile shit. Even a dumb comedy has to have laughs, I would've settled for one, involuntary snigger. Fuck I would've settled for a slightly approving stomach gurgle!! Please someone explain to me why someone being gay is a joke? The first 40mins of this movie is packed full of 'isn't it funny to be gay' jokes and that's not to even mention the racist, xenophobic and sexist humour that wasn't even funny in 1982 when such things were more permissible.
Now, before you go labelling me a politically correct, conservative and overly serious person I suggest you go listen to 5 minutes of my Dr.Action and the Kick Ass Kid podcast and then we can talk. I have no problem with bad taste humour just as long as it is funny. From minute one of this film I was wishing both Rogen and Franco would be mauled to death by Rottweilers and by minute five of the film I was wishing I could be. I couldn't find one redeemable moment in the first half of this shittily made, shittily written, shittily acted, flimsy excuse for a film. That this was the film everyone went to bat for and used as a beacon of freedom of speech makes me even more angry and incensed.
Just writing about my hatred for it is making me annoyed so I am just going to stop. Just like Rogen and Franco need to now. Forever.
Ones I still have to see from 2014:
Frank
The Guest
Dear White People
Chef
22 Jump Street
The November Man
The Skeleton Twins
Top Five
Rosewater
Inherent Vice
Kill The Messenger
Obvious Child
Jodorowsky's Dune
Best first time watches in 2014 from other years:
Blaxploitation awesomeness:
Three The Hard Way
Slaughter
Shaft (yeah I know, I know... well now I have seen it - AND LOVE IT)
Cynthia Rothrockery:
Righting Wrongs/Above The Law
Guardian Angel
Sworn To Justice
Martial Law 2
The Guard - Hilarious and superbly acted Irish comedy.
American Mary - A nice little original horror drama from the very promising Soska Twins.
So? what did you think?? LEAVE YOUR COMMENTS BELOW!!
Kingsman: The Secret Service Preview Review
Kingsman: The Secret Service is a movie very loosely based on the comic book The Secret Service by Mark Millar and Dave Gibbons. The movie is written by Jane Goodman and Matthew Vaughn, who also directs. This is the same team behind the similar Millar comic adaptation, Kick Ass.
The film, unlike its unfortunate title, is anything but clunky. It is a slick, fun, R Rated, filthy humour and ultra violence filled romp that plays like an intentional love letter to Roger Moore era James Bond.
Kingsman in both its humour and action, plays a lot like Kick Ass did before it and like Kick Ass the movie contains plenty of awesome jaw dropping and taboo busting moments. Vaughn also repeats the trick of editing the fight scenes to a retro soundtrack that, while not exactly giving Guardians of the Galaxy a run for its money, is still damn cool.
The actors all appear to be having a great time and mostly play the whole thing straight, even when the situations are anything but. It's sad then that some of the dialogue is occasionally knowingly winking at the audience and slips into heavy handed referential moments. It never spoils the scenes outright but everyone should already be getting the joke without turning this into Austin Powers with gore. Colin Firth, Vaughn staple Mark Strong and newcomer Taron Egerton are all particularly superb. Firth, not always the first name you think of as cool or a fantastic ass kicker steps up in this and steals the show.
It also has more than a few echoes of James Bond which has always been a big hit in The States.
Plus it has every American's favourite older Brit Colin Firth in it being undeniably awesome and giving Liam Neeson a run for his money in the action stakes.
If there is one very British aspect to the movie it's that it has absolutely no regard for authority and is joyously, ridiculously subversive on all fronts. It certainly will make you either proud to be British again or wish you were British, which certainly makes a change from the Brits always playing villains.
I would strongly urge anyone now intending to see it on its US release date of February 13th 2015 to avoid the trailers as much as possible and go in fresh. Your experience will be enhanced greatly.
Remember the days when trailers didn't spoil the whole first 2 acts of a film?
4 out of 5 bullet proof umbrellas
The Purge: Anarchy T-Shirt and Flashlight GIVEAWAY!
The New Founders of America invite you to celebrate your annual right to Purge.
The Purge: Anarchy follows an unlikely group of five citizens who, over the course of the night, are hunted across the city in a kill-or-be-killed series of survival scenarios during the annual Purge.
#PurgeAnarchy
#UnitedWePurge
@universalhorror
http://universalhorrorfilms.tumblr.com/
https://www.facebook.com/thepurgemovie
We have ONE official The Purge: Anarchy Prize Pack to award to one lucky reader!
The Purge: Anarchy Prize Pack includes:
- The Purge: Anarchy Promo T-shirt (size L)
- The Purge: Anarchy Promo Flashlight
Giveaway ONLY open to people in the U.S.
Each household is only eligible to win One (1) Purge Prize Pack via blog reviews and giveaways. Only one entrant per mailing address per giveaway. If you have won the same prize on another blog, you will not be eligible to win it again. Winner is subject to eligibility verification.
HOW TO WIN:
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Mortal Remains from Cryptic Pictures EAST COAST SCREENINGS
Then Listen here:
Or DOWNLOAD the show by right clicking HERE
And if you want to see the film then here are 2 upcoming
EAST COAST SCREENINGS
Film title: Mortal Remains
Running time: 94 minutes
Names of Film Directors: Mark Ricche and Christian Stavrakis
Brief synopses: An docu-thriller investigating the life and career of notorious Maryland filmmaker Karl Atticus, director of the original 1972 "Mortal Remains".
Venue address: Bizarre AC Convention - held at the Tropicana Casino and Resort 2831 Boardwalk, Atlantic City, NJ 08401 / (609) 340-4000
Event dates and time: Saturday June 14th (afternoon screening/ exact time is TBA)
Event price: Ticket price is $20 in advance and $25 Day of
Telephone number for more info: (301)257-9275
Website: http://bizarreac.com/screenings.aspx
List of artists on the bill: Mark Ricche and Christian Stavrakis.
An exclusive screening with the filmmakers in attendance!
Contact information: mark@crypticpictures.com
NYC screening info:
Venue address, including cross streets and nearest subways: Anthology Film Archives at 32 Second Avenue (at 2nd St.) New York, NY 10003
Telephone: (212) 505-5181
Subway: F train to 2nd Avenue, walk two blocks north on 2nd Avenue to 2nd Street; #6 to Bleecker St., walk one block north on Lafayette, then two blocks east on Bond St. (turns into 2nd St.) to 2nd Avenue.
Bus: M15 to 3rd Street.
Event dates and time: Sunday June 15th 3:00pm
Event price: Ticket price is $10
Telephone number: (301)257-9275
Website: www.mortalremainsmovie.com.
List of artists on the bill: Mark Ricche and Christian Stavrakis.
An exclusive screening with the filmmakers in attendance!
Contact information: mark@crypticpictures.com
Q&A with Alexia Anastasio star and director of Little Fishes
We get an in depth view on the ins and outs of behind the scenes of an independent feature film.
Q: How did this all start?
A: It started with me being a fan of playing make believe. Oh, you mean this movie. Oh, yeah, That started with me being a fan of movies that make people think and feel. I love John Cassavetes, Lars von Trier, Yasujirō Ozu, Maya Deren, Jane Campion, Lea Pool, Sally Potter and Patricia Rozema to name a few. They all bring you into their stories and do it in a way that you are completely immersed in the characters moment. I decided to organize a Mumblecore Film Festival which I hosted 4 Q&A’s after the screenings with the directors and producers last year and that was when I got the idea and support to make my own. I now plan to tour with this film and others like it world wide. You can get updates for that here: https://www.facebook.com/mumblecore
Q: What is your favorite part about making Little Fishes?
A: Working on set is always my favorite part. Each day on set I am usually repeating out loud - oh wow - this is going to look beautiful and because I was lucky enough to work with the most talented cast and crew ever it does.
Q: Was it hard getting the actors to agree to do a daring movie?
A: I found it easy. I made sure that I told each actor before they got to set that they would be kissing another actor. I asked if they were 100% okay with that. It’s all about preparation and they appreciated it.
Q: What is it like being a director and actor in your own film?
A: I love acting and directing simultaneously. I love the creative control. I like being able to do improv on set and play with the form. I am always open to contribution and ideas from my fellow actors. I allow my actors to have voice on set and give suggestion. This technique builds mutual trust and respect on set. One contribution was my fellow actress, Brenna Gwyn Snowe, ran the bathtub with a little too much water in it and when I got in water spilled over the side and we both had a good laugh. It made the scene.
Q: How do folks find out more about your work?
A: Well you can see my last film, Adventures in Plymptoons! on many platforms like Hulu, Vimeo, Amazon by going here: http://adventuresinplymptoons.com/
You can sign up for my email list and get updates whenever I have a new project on my website: http://www.alexiaanastasio.com
And you can view the new trailers and sneak peak scenes and even give to the campaign for Little Fishes here: http://www.littlefishesmovie.com
BIO: Alexia Anastasio is an artist, actress and filmmaker. She was featured in HBO's Bored to Death, VH1 “If you like...” commercial and Vetiver "Everyday" music video. Her work on the feature documentaries includes: Editor of Vampira: The Movie; Associate Producer of The Wild World of Ted V. Mikels; Co-producer of Beyond the Noise: My Transcendental Meditation Journey; Director of Adventures in Plymptoons! documentary on Oscar nominated animator Bill Plympton; Director of documentary, Ginger Girls: The Secret Lives of Redheads and Director of narrative, Little Fishes.
Q: How did this all start?
A: It started with me being a fan of playing make believe. Oh, you mean this movie. Oh, yeah, That started with me being a fan of movies that make people think and feel. I love John Cassavetes, Lars von Trier, Yasujirō Ozu, Maya Deren, Jane Campion, Lea Pool, Sally Potter and Patricia Rozema to name a few. They all bring you into their stories and do it in a way that you are completely immersed in the characters moment. I decided to organize a Mumblecore Film Festival which I hosted 4 Q&A’s after the screenings with the directors and producers last year and that was when I got the idea and support to make my own. I now plan to tour with this film and others like it world wide. You can get updates for that here: https://www.facebook.com/mumblecore
Q: What is your favorite part about making Little Fishes?
A: Working on set is always my favorite part. Each day on set I am usually repeating out loud - oh wow - this is going to look beautiful and because I was lucky enough to work with the most talented cast and crew ever it does.
Q: Was it hard getting the actors to agree to do a daring movie?
A: I found it easy. I made sure that I told each actor before they got to set that they would be kissing another actor. I asked if they were 100% okay with that. It’s all about preparation and they appreciated it.
Q: What is it like being a director and actor in your own film?
A: I love acting and directing simultaneously. I love the creative control. I like being able to do improv on set and play with the form. I am always open to contribution and ideas from my fellow actors. I allow my actors to have voice on set and give suggestion. This technique builds mutual trust and respect on set. One contribution was my fellow actress, Brenna Gwyn Snowe, ran the bathtub with a little too much water in it and when I got in water spilled over the side and we both had a good laugh. It made the scene.
A: Well you can see my last film, Adventures in Plymptoons! on many platforms like Hulu, Vimeo, Amazon by going here: http://adventuresinplymptoons.com/
You can sign up for my email list and get updates whenever I have a new project on my website: http://www.alexiaanastasio.com
And you can view the new trailers and sneak peak scenes and even give to the campaign for Little Fishes here: http://www.littlefishesmovie.com
BIO: Alexia Anastasio is an artist, actress and filmmaker. She was featured in HBO's Bored to Death, VH1 “If you like...” commercial and Vetiver "Everyday" music video. Her work on the feature documentaries includes: Editor of Vampira: The Movie; Associate Producer of The Wild World of Ted V. Mikels; Co-producer of Beyond the Noise: My Transcendental Meditation Journey; Director of Adventures in Plymptoons! documentary on Oscar nominated animator Bill Plympton; Director of documentary, Ginger Girls: The Secret Lives of Redheads and Director of narrative, Little Fishes.
Bad Words
Jason Bateman makes his directorial debut with this R Rated indie comedy that sees him attempting to drop his Mr.Put-Upon-Nice-Guy persona while starring in a film that doesn't exactly work without it.
Bateman plays Guy Trilby a foul mouthed, negative, man-child with a savant way with words who has, through a loop-hole and with the support of reporter Kathryn Hahn, entered the Golden Quill spelling bee much to the chagrin of it's organisers Allison Janney and Philip Baker Hall and the parents of the children, the other participants.
The film is a short, well acted and competently directed, verbal, indie comedy. The humour is, at times, very rude, crude but pleasingly inventive and Bateman, especially, seems to be relishing the role. Good thing too as he holds the whole thing together.
Which is more than can be said for the script. The tagline to the film is 'the end justifies the mean' and the fact of the matter is, it really doesn't. Whether you find spelling competitions important or not, nothing really justifies the cruelty Guy Trilby unleashes on, not only, the people directly involved in the competition but just general people in the world, funny though a lot of it is. His personal vendetta effects way more people than the actual, solitary focus of it and I guess it's just down to Bateman's like-ability as an actor, the genuinely funny dialogue and the fact that we are stuck following him for the whole movie that keeps us, the audience, dubiously 'on his side'.
There is a sub-plot about his befriending a child, a fellow contestant, and 'tearing up' the town with him in the evenings which, I suppose, is intended to endear him to us a little and play to the rebel in all of us but some of the things they do, including causing a stolen lobster to lacerate a man's genitals, seem a tad cruel for no reason, as well.
Now before you think I am taking this all too seriously, let me explain. The film IS funny. Taken on face value, if you find vicious, dark, crude humour for the sake of it funny, then you are going to love it and there was much about it I did enjoy. Films, however, whether people like it or not, have to have characters, plots and motivations that make relative sense within their presented frame work and while "it's just a comedy" may excuse a lot of illogical or unforgivably cruel behaviour, the fact that the film, ultimately, asks us to give a hoot about this selfish, arrogant arse hole of a man means that we have to, at least, buy into the story and care a little, when it doesn't give us a lot of satisfactory reasons to.
Had he participated in the contest without cheating and eliminating some of his opponents in humiliating ways or had he befriended the kid, torn round the town but not hurt a man's penis with a large clawed sea creature then his character might have been a little more redeemable, while being no less funny.
There are echoes of Wes Anderson in the characters and the plot, especially Rushmore and The Royal Tenenbaums without, of course, it being anywhere nearly as charmingly presented or stylish.
A worthy debut, though, for Bateman as a director and interesting to see the R Rated comedy given the mumble core indie treatment.
7 out of 10
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Interview in the Wartooth Arena
Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for taking the time to join us as we spend another Thursday evening probing the mysteries of cult cinema with a megamind of exploitation knowledge, The Podcast from the After Movie Diner.
Why don't you start telling us about your show?
The Podcast from the After Movie Diner
Well the Diner started life as a blog back in 2010 and then somewhere in 2011 we started a podcast. I have an eclectic and passionate interest in all film so while others might focus on one thing or another, we can always guarantee there's at least one show or a handful of shows we have done that everyone will like.
Our main podcast combines comedy, music and film discussion and then about a year and a half ago we started up the Dr. Action and The Kick Ass Kid Commentaries show which is my friend and I riffing on 80s and 90s action films but with affection and silly voices, it's sort of like Hollywood Babble-On meets MST3K.
Wartooth Arena
I know I'm jumping ahead, but do you have a favourite exploitation film?
The Podcast from the After Movie Diner
I have a whole list of favourites from all genres. Hard to pick just one... I did get a list together of a selection of them... would you like to hear about that?
As I have just completed a month covering them, some of the best, boldest, bloodiest and most badass and brilliant Blaxploitation films I can recommend are:
Shaft (1971) – an obvious one maybe but it has a hard hitting, quick witted, one liner heavy script that reads like a Humphrey Bogart private eye noir from the 40s but plays out like a new form of urban, action cinema that would define the era.
Slaughter (1972) – ex-footballer Jim Brown plays a James Bond style lady slayin’ ass whooper that owes a debt to the spy movies of the 60s but has all the nudity and gun fights one expects from the decade.
Three The Hard Way (1974) – Fred “The Hammer” Williamson, Jim Brown and the late great Jim Kelly go up against white supremacists wearing all the damn fine threads they can find and warring with all the way out weaponry they can get their hands on.
Coffy (1973) – Pam Grier’s defining moment. Strong, sexy, sassy and vicious, Grier brings all the exploitation elements of her greatest women-in-prison-in-the-Philippines films but mixes it with the sort of hard-nosed revenge thrillers that would pepper the 70s and 80s. This is a whole year before Death Wish.
Some of my favourite, less obvious, exploitation movies of this era are:
Vanishing Point (1971) – For as much as it is an existential, bleak look at America in a post 60s funk it also contains drugs, nudity, awesome car chases, violence, surreal scenes, a kick ass soundtrack and an enigmatic lead performance, all of which are staples of exploitation and would inform films like Mad Max and The Blues Brothers
Race With The Devil (1975) – When devil worshippers and Winnebago’s collide! This is a great look at the middle class, white family’s paranoia of small town, rural America with some great horror, car chases, a snake and an awesome ending.
Profondo Rosso (1975) – Argento’s masterful giallo movie that not only would influence the thrillers of De Palma but the entire Slasher genre of the 80s.
Rabid (1977) – Cronenberg’s slice of vampiric, zombie body horror.
The Living Dead At The Manchester Morgue (1974) - A fantastic, underrated, gory, violent, weird and atmospheric zombie film that takes place in the beautiful countryside of the lake district in England. The opening scene, for no apparent reason, features a naked, large breasted lady on a town street. The film continues in its gloriously dubbed, grubby, Eurohorror way with plenty of suspense and synth soundtrack, ending with a third act full of pleasingly gory dead folk.
and lastly, whenever I am asked about exploitation or b-movies I always recommend these two, fairly obscure, films (despite their coverage in the great documentary Machete Maidens Unleashed), They Call Her Cleopatra Wong and The One Armed Executioner, which are two awesome Philippines kung fu classics, inventive, weird, wonderful, hilarious, kick ass and with soundtracks that slap you about the face and make you sit up and take notice.
There is even a sequence in Cleopatra Wong featuring a bunch of
bearded nuns with machine guns. Definitely worth tracking down. A great double dvd disc exists out there with them both in.
Wartooth Arena Thank you for the serious schooling. I see several I'm going to check out. Machete Maidens is on my list for soon to be watched.
Back in the day of drive-in theaters and grindhouse cinemas, a movie producer wanted to be able to make a film quick and easy in order to turn a fast buck. They used gimmicks like sex, violence, gore, racism, and religion to fill the seats. Looking back, we call those throwaway movies exploitation films, and filmmakers churned them out for about a decade. In order to keep the audience coming back, producers had to gradually ramp up the sensationalism. Going back through the history books, what are some of the forgotten movies that ramped up the gimmicks? The ones that brought the next big wave of knockoffs?
The end of the 60s through to the beginning of the 80s is an exciting, fertile and experimental time in American cinema, which is why I think it still fascinates today. You have the movie brats, like Coppola, Scorsese, De Palma etc. some who come out of the exploitation stable of Roger Corman to then create bleaker, slower, more thoughtful and European style, movies that still have one foot in the crime cinema of the 40s and 50s. It’s the perfect melting pot that is, all at once, informed by the past, the present and looks to the future.
However, what we think of now as exploitation, grindhouse or b-movies of the decade, like the Blaxploitation movement, for example, or Roger Corman’s Philippines era, are actually, very often, telling the populist, crowd pleasing, action heavy stories that would directly inform the blockbuster action boom of the 80s. While, of course, traditional and spaghetti westerns and war films of the 50s and 60s would also influence the Rambos and John McClanes of the 80s, they wouldn’t be who they are in tone and spectacle without the Death Wishes, Shafts, Slaughters and Coffys of the world.
In terms of which movies were the forgotten ones that ramped up the gimmicks, any of the ones I mentioned in my list could easily fit that. There were little sub genres springing up all the time that had their imitators or knock offs. The zombie genre that Romero started with Night of the Living Dead, the Cannibal genre with films like The Mountain of the Cannibal God, Cannibal Holocaust, Cannibal Ferox and then you'd have the rape/revenge films like I Spit on your Grave, Last House on the Left and others
You tended to get a classic or semi classic first film (like Night of the living dead) and then the genre would runaway with itself and become crazier, more graphic and have different off shoots.
Wartooth Arena
To fill the seats, exploitation films needed to flirt with our darker nature. Posters at drive-ins and downtown theatres were one of the main ways these films seduced us. How about a little background on the role the poster played in the exploitation genre?
The Podcast from the After Movie Diner
Art surrounding movie advertising, in general, was SO MUCH better 20 years ago and prior. If I may have a slight rant, poster art for modern movies is unadulterated crap biscuits. Bland, badly photoshopped tediousness that needs a good kick up the brown eye with a jagged metal boot.
For as long as there was cinema, up until computers, the posters were these awesome works of art. Just like one of the joys of exploitation movies is that, due to low budgets, everything was done, dangerously for real or hilariously weirdly using cheap back projection, wonky miniatures or superimposing, one of the joys of the posters were they were hand painted, bold, lively, exciting affairs that when put up against regular A-list pictures were either completely comparable or much much better. The poster art, if done right, could level the playing field between A and B films.
Of course this brings up the whole problem with that and the reason why the art work was so important for getting bums on seats and that is ‘promising something you can’t deliver on’. For every one of the great, genuinely awesome and artistic, kick ass exploitation films, there are ten slow, boring, weird films that seemingly don’t match the hype depicted on the poster. Writing, word play and font graphics became really important and eye-catching too, much like voice overs on trailers. The whole marketing of these low budget wonders became a genius, clever and, even, admirable art form of its own.
Take the great line from the Coffy poster "She’s the GODMOTHER of them all… The baddest One-Chick Hit-Squad that ever hit town!" Absolute classic sleaze marketing. Love it
Wartooth Arena
On your facebook page, I saw a trailer for a blacksploitation movie called “Slaughter” with Jim Brown. I was shocked to hear the word nigger in the actual theatrical trailer. Are there any other trailers from the exploitation era that might surprise a contemporary audience? Like · 2 · about an hour ago
The Podcast from the After Movie Diner
Compared to almost any of the awful, generic trailers we get today, most exploitation era trailers would shock the uninitiated. A lot of the trailers for the Italian and American revenge thrillers, cannibal films or zombie horrors, for example, tend to be very graphic and nothing like what we get today. Of course these were only intended to screen in the Grindhouses and it wouldn’t be as if you were sitting in a shiny “safe” multiplex like today but even so, a lot of them show so much in the trailers you wonder why you’d then go see the films at all.
I found the trailer online for that famous schlockfest Make Them Die Slowly AKA Cannibal Ferox which is 4mins long, features the word ‘bitch’, nudity, the beating of women and tons of bloodletting. There’s even a warning at the beginning! It’s horrendously graphic just for a trailer.
Marketing was king with these movies, if you ever get the time look at the marketing of the movie Snuff. The director, changed the name to Snuff, did a tagline "A film that could only be made in South America, where life is CHEAP!", tacked on a fake snuff ending and organised protests to picket the premiere of his own movie and a cheap crappy exploitation movie went on to make him very rich.
All these exploitation guys were doing what Hollywood does now (trying to get that big opening and con peoples money out of them before the movie gets seen by too broad an audience) years ago. You want to see true innovation in movie making and marketing, you look to the B Movie guys
Wartooth Arena
Gradually the exploitation era of the 1970s evolved into the Blockbuster era of the 1980s. What films that get classified in the exploitation genre foreshadowed the coming change? What was the public’s response?
The Podcast from the After Movie Diner
What happened, really, is Steven Spielberg. With Duel and then Jaws he took what would normally be exploitation tropes and made them big business. What’s funny, particularly about Jaws is the fact that it had so many B Movie imitators when it itself WAS a B Movie imitator. The other film would be something like First Blood. Another film which could quite easily be an exploitation film but instead ushers in the most lucrative era of action films cinema has ever enjoyed.
As for how people reacted and why it happened I don’t know completely. Like I said, I think American A movies had become bleak, thoughtful and artistic and the exploitation/grindhouse films were the crowd pleasers - the action movies, the monster movies, crime thrillers etc. and I think Spielberg, Lucas, Stallone etc. tapped into the idea of “well why can’t we make some crowd pleasers?” and I am not sure a real audience cared back then about budgets or stars so much as they would just a few years later in the middle of the 80s.
Wartooth Arena
Before we get to the big question of the night, I have one on sub genres. I have seen a lot of 70s flicks where groups of disturbed children kill groups of adults. The other night I watched The Devil Times Five. Are there any of these where the adults kill some of the little bastards?
The Podcast from the After Movie Diner
There is The Brood, the David Cronenburg movie... but, doing a search online brought up this movie: Beware Children At Play from 1989 which is a Troma movie (so expect very low budget sleaze) and apparently that ends with all the townsfolk killing demonic children left and right. of course, in the original cut of Romero's Dawn of the Dead, Peter guns down two zombie children...
Wartooth Arena
I can get behind that... and if anyone cares to see it, many Troma films are FREE!
We’re seeing remakes of Craven’s exploitation classics The Last House on the Left and The Hills Have Eyes as well as other exploitation favorites like I Spit on Your Grave. These are amped up versions, but in this age of media glorification of real life horrors, these movies don’t hold the shock they used to, so what do you think fuels this resurgence?
The Podcast from the After Movie Diner
I am cynical and believe this whole remake craze is solely down to laziness, creative bankruptcy and money. I don’t think the producers of the remakes or the people at the studios have seen half of the original films their movies are based on and I think they are doing it in a vein attempt at name recognition and maybe a little shock value.
While the remakes of Friday 13th, Dawn of the Dead, Halloween etc. all make some sort of sense, for a studio, because they are all popcorn horror rooted in fantasy but it makes little to no sense to remake the violent, grimy, sleazy exploitation films of the 70s because you could never do them justice today and, like you say, they wouldn't have the shock value.
People need to remember that at the time the exploitation craze kicked off America was in turmoil, engaged in an unpopular war, lots of civil rights issues igniting riots and marches and a hippy movement in decline and depression as they felt 'it hadn't worked'
Films like Last House on the Left grew out of that scene organically... you can't just casually remake it like it was just another movie. B Movies and exploitation is very often an organic product of its time...
Wartooth Arena
Yep. Could not agree more.
Wartooth Arena 2: Revenge of the Fucking Bad Ass is a writing contest for stories inspired by exploitation movies. In order to help combatants create the best fiction possible, I’m speaking with experts like yourself to create THE 13 FUCKING COMMANDMENTS OF EXPLOITATION FICTION. I’m trying to isolate the characteristics that would make one mean motherfucker of a story. Other suggestions have been OUT CRAZY THE CRAZIEST, LIVE FOR REVENGE, and ALWAYS SHOCK. The combatants of Wartooth Arena would love to know what you think must be present for exploitation fiction to be as awesome as it can be?
The Podcast from the After Movie Diner
well I was going to be crass and scream BRING OUT THE BOOBS! hahaha but actually, thinking about protagonists, anti-heroes, the classic leading character in these movies I have gone with SPEAK SOFTLY AND CARRY A BIG GUN
Wartooth Arena
You get two! They both rule!
Thanks so much for joining us. It has been a pleasure. I hope everyone goes over and likes this wonderful page.
The Podcast from the After Movie Diner
Thanks for having me, sorry I went on a bit hahaha
"The Randomers" Indie Irish film-making at its finest.
This film was shot in Ireland in Counties Galway & Mayo using local actors, musicians and scenery - the production didn’t even have a budget for catering but the cast and crew were eager to work on this challenging project nonetheless.
THE RANDOMERS tells the story of a girl on the West coast of Ireland played by Sarah Jane Murphy who places an advertisement seeking a guy for a relationship 'without speaking' and finds exactly what she’s looking for in Joseph Lydon.
“There’s something about him she doesn’t know,” says award-winning director Graham Jones. “But he’s not going to be chatty about it. I’ve always wondered why romantic movies are so dialogue-driven. After all, not even the most talkative relationships seem deeply rooted in words…”
Unlike his previous movies such as FUDGE 44 and HOW TO CHEAT IN THE LEAVING CERTIFICATE which were released through cinemas or DVD, this Graham Jones film is freely available online for anybody to watch - just go to THERANDOMERS.COM and the film will start playing!
check out THE RANDOMERS trailer.
August: Osage County
August: Osage County, written by Tracy Letts and based on his play of the same name, is never shallow. It's one setting, melodramatic histrionics and frequent 'family drama' cliches may turn some people off but if you want to see, in particular, some of America's greatest actresses at work, this is the film to see.
Everyone knows Meryl Streep can do this stuff in her sleep but she is still mesmerising and without a shred of vanity in her portrayal of the brutally honest and abusive matriarch of a family full of fuck ups.
Her name might not be on the lips in every household but you'd have to have been living under a filmic rock if you weren't aware of the subtle brilliance of Margo Martindale and in August, she doesn't disappoint.
The big surprise, for me at least, here was Julia Roberts. Her performance is mindbogglingly good. Leaving her rom-com and Oceans Eleven cameoing far behind her, she delivers a nuanced, out-of-charcter turn that will have you captivated from the moment she steps into shot.
Nobody else in the cast gets quite as flashier moments as the three main women but everyone else holds their own, even with less to do. Juliette Lewis is a little one note as always but it works here, for this role. The casting of Julianne Nicholson is a little curious, not because she isn't marvellous but because she seems young for the character, judging by the script and the story. Also while the big reveal from her subplot defines the third act of the film, it's one of the main plotting points that felt overly contrived and a little unfair.
That being said, these are only minor quibbles in what is an excellently retold and restaged play.
Dramas, like any other genre or style of film, have their cliches and their requirements. You have to like the trappings of 'the melodrama' to truly appreciate August: Osage County, just like you'd need to appreciate scary music, blood and guts and masked killers if you went to see a slasher film. Critics who have reviewed this poorly, simply don't seem to like dramas but then "professional" critics these days seem to permanently have their head rammed up their own arses, more of the than not.
So, if you DO like ensemble kitchen-sink dramas, this is the one to see this season.
8 out of 10
My Top 10 of 2013
I am ok with this.
Normally I don't do an end of the year list on the blog, normally, over at the podcast I do an Alternative Oscar show where we award the films that we believe should've won something, despite not being nominated in ANY category. It's a good way to recognise great work that normal awards shows avoid for not being deemed 'worthy' or 'sufficiently arty' enough. I find this sort of ego-agrandising, pretentious, puff-uppery annoying and obvious. So, before you ask, no 12 Years A Slave or Blue Is The Warmest Colour on this list, sorry. Also this list has nothing to do with box office. I couldn't care less if you all love The Hobbit, as Brian Fantana might say, it doesn't rev my engine. Sorry, again.
This list is about entertainment, mainly, but also about the films that I personally came out of, excited to have seen them. Movies that reminded me, for whatever reason, why I love film in the first place. Thankfully there were tons to choose from this year. It was seriously a bumper crop of good films in 2013. Not exactly many GREATS or CLASSICS but a whole slew of GOODS and I'll take that over what we have coming down the line for 2014.
Son of God? Noah? I, Frankenstein? The Robocop remake? Vampire Academy?
oh dear oh dear.
So, ok then, let's get on with it. My Top 10 of 2013.
10. Escape Plan
For a start there was, thankfully, more plot and character than I expected, secondly the last act has all the old school, big guns, slo-mo action a child in a man's body like me craves and lastly, Schwarzenegger, ironically while being a politician, has become an awesome actor. No, seriously. His performance in this is tremendous and outshines almost anything else in the film.
I also considered Grudge Match for this 10 spot because, apart from a pacing issue, it was great, really funny and Stallone is arguably much better in that than in this but when you talk about cinematic pair-ups 30 years in the making, this was the one I wanted to see.
Read my full review HERE
9. Local Legends
It's presence on the list might seem like sycophantic pandering to Matt himself, who I know a little now and who has been on the podcast and it might even seem self aggrandising because I happen to be in it, very briefly, but please understand that it gained its place on the list legitimately.
I have watched this film 5 or 6 times already and even had the pleasure to host a screening of it with a handful of friends, some who I know can be quite critical and judgemental of films and they all loved it. Despite it being about a very specific individual with a fairly unique creative outpouring and business model, the themes in it resonate wonderfully with anyone who has ever achieved just a little of real life, or even internet based attention or success.
It's a hilarious and even touching look at the eccentric and positive world of creativity and art versus commerce.
Watch the full feature HERE
8. Iron Man 3
With all the over-the-top, fawning and fuss made over The Dark Knight Trilogy, Marvel was taking their, infinitely more entertaining, less pretentious and just BETTER Batman clone, Tony Stark and making a fascinating, occasionally flawed but rip-roaring trilogy of their own. Yeah part 2 is kind of a mess but it's an enjoyably, watchable mess.
The success of these films and, certainly, the third one, is the rise of Robert Downey Jr and not just because he has that Downey Jr schtick of talking fast, improvising gags and being adorable/annoying but because he has, slowly and surely, on his rise through Marvel gained more and more creative control (with his producing partners his wife, Susan Downey and friend, Jon Favreau) and not squandered a drop of it. In part 3 he pays back his old pal Shane Black, who helped RDJs comeback with the now-cult classic Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang, bringing him on as writer/director and together they craft, not only, an awesome 80s/90s action throw back, set at Christmas and making Stark and Rhodes a Riggs and Murtaugh like double act but also a personal movie that both compliments and completes the rise of Tony Stark and RDJ without ever showing the crossover and involving the whole audience in on the story and the joke. It's wonderful.
Hear us discuss this fully on podcast episode 103 - Brian Tyler Interview - Marvel 2013 Rundown/Iron Man 3/Thor The Dark World/Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
7. You're Next
Oh and Barbara Crampton was in it.
If you need any more reasons you're in the wrong place.
Read my full review of the film HERE and
Listen to our EXCLUSIVE Barbara Crampton interview HERE
6. Thor: The Dark World
Unabashedly silly, over-the-top and action packed with a kick ass score. I LOVED it.
Hear us discuss this fully on podcast episode 103 - Brian Tyler Interview - Marvel 2013 Rundown/Iron Man 3/Thor The Dark World/Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
5. Redemption/Hummingbird
Well you are exceptionally wrong. On his journey to find different things to do within the genre Hollywood has pigeonholed him into, Statham, still, despite being a big star now, goes back to England and makes cool little dramas. The Bank Job, Blitz and now Hummingbird (the better and more meaningful title of the movie) have very little in the way of Statham's usual brand of arse-kickery (normally just enough for the trailer to entice those fans to see the film) and instead see him developing his craft as an actor, tackling different stories and playing a character. Hummingbird harkens back to the neon drenched streets of London in Bob Hoskins' incredible film Mona Lisa from the 80s. The film is emotional, harrowing and heartbreaking. I'll always defend Statham and his straight-forward approach to movie making. He's learning from the likes of Stallone that the emotional matters. A film can't just be hollow, audiences need to connect, characters need to be redeemed.
Definitely worth the watch and definitely worth it's number 5 slot on my top 10.
Read my full review of the film HERE
4. The Broken Circle Breakdown
This film was beautiful. Harrowing, upsetting and a slog to get through but also compelling, incredible, stunning and surprisingly not very predictable or pretentious.
It's all abut a Belgian with a beard playing bluegrass, the woman he loves, the child they have, the life they lead and where they end up. It's Walk The Line but with some actual soul and devoid of Hollywood sheen.
As well as some predictable themes it also shows the couple struggle with science, religion and politics with stubbornness and confused hope.
The performances are stunning and genuinely brave and the music is a delight.
Read my full review of the film HERE
3. The Last Stand
I felt it delivered on all my expectations and then some. I remember the build up to the first Expendables or The Raid and being sceptical about what they could deliver and then, when I saw them, being blown to the back of the cinema with joy, excitement and thrills. Well seeing The Last Stand, certainly the last act of The Last Stand was a similar experience. In fact just typing this is making me want to watch it again.
Of course the moment Hollywood stops funding these movies because nobody went to see them will be the moment everyone starts reminiscing and wishing they were still around. Well they are! for now, so, please check this out and look forward to Expendables 3 and Sabotage next year!
Read my full review of the film HERE
Hear Dr.Action and me, The Kick Ass Kid discuss 2013 action films HERE
2. The World's End
Unlike Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, the other two films in the so-called 'Three Flavours Cornetto Trilogy', it has a message and a meaning and while they could stand to be a little more subtle in the future with their allegory, it's still refreshing and excellent that they have one.
As for any flaws, apart from the very end, which felt a little rushed and tacked on and the fact that Pegg's superb performance and character sort of swamp everyone else and relegate them to the sidelines, the film didn't really have any. This is one I will watch again and again.
1. Gravity
James Cameron can make all the technological advancements he likes but until he remembers how to tell a decent story, the films will all be terrible. Alfonso Cuarón, on the other hand tells a great story and uses the effects to make that story as compelling, realistic and beautiful as possible.
Although there was a 3D version of this you don't need 3D to immerse you in the world you're creating, in fact, if anything, an added gimmick like that is going to, most likely, keep you removed from the experience. Gravity, however is so well made and so incredible that no amount of film or special effects knowledge could explain to me how it was done and so was left to simply believe. To accept. For all I know they went into space and filmed the whole thing up there.
As for the mood it created, I have never felt that level of palpable tension be held for that long and with that control and mastery. I can exactly recall the feeling as a sense memory if I picture it now, sat at my desk, writing about it. Good drama? Good films? they'll do that to you... they stick around awhile.
Read my full review of the film HERE
So there was my top ten! Feel free to comment on them, argue with me, discuss or agree below!
Now, in case you were wondering the next 5 on the list would be:
11. The Wolverine
It may be the best telling of the 'Superhero gives up his powers' tale that we have right now and it, obviously, blows the other Wolverine prequel out of the water. I definitely think it's the Wolverine film that Jackman deserves. He's the best he's ever been in the role here.
Read my full review HERE
12. Much Ado About Nothing
13. Homefront
Statham working off a script by Stallone is perfect action gold. With a real Road House meets Nowhere to Run vibe, I know you either like films like this or belittle them but I happen to dig them for their sheer energy and entertainment factor.
Read my full review HERE
14. Love, Sex and Missed Connections
It's the Office Space for the internet dating generation. Funny, well acted, with interesting characters and a pretty decent romance.
Read my full review HERE
15. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
Ben Stiller's best film to date. Not the funniest, not the silliest, not even, maybe, the most enjoyable but, definitely the best.
Read my full review HERE
I can't remember the last time there were 15 films in a year that I would recommend. That was refreshing 2013. Thank you!
Don't forget to tune in to the After Movie Diner Alternative Oscar show in February to see if any of these win a prize or two!!